Archive for June, 2010

Legion (2010)

June 30th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

legion_poster_011 I love this biblical, apocalyptic, book-of-revelations, end-of-the-world-prophecy stuff. It’s because it is so grand. So beautiful in a bizarre kind of way. That’s why I glanced at Legion. I heard it was about God being mad fucking furious with the human race, and thus sending his angels to destroy mankind for their retardedness (sometimes I feel that would probably be  a good way to get rid of the problems in the world today. Well, spare me and the people I love and like of course). So all you commy bastards could go to hell. Except you who are my friends. Still love you, you know.

Anyways. God is actually mad fucking furious. But one of his angels, Michael, loves the human kind too much so he does everything to protect them from the Wrath Of God. How this is done? With a shitload of firepower, with a few people out in the desert and protecting an unborn child. The idea is to make a stand in that place, killing hordes of angel-infested humans until the child is born. Then the mission is complete and human kind is saved. Sort of. Did you get the logic in that part? Me neither. So just fuck that and watch some angels dust it out real good. Of course the nemesis, Gabriel, is there too to stir up some ruckus.

I was a bit disappointed I must say. I loved the old lady in the beginning who started climbing walls and jamming her demon teeth into people’s throats. I also liked the idea of angels infesting humans and using them as some kind of zombie drones to achieve their goals.

But the story was too thin. There wasn’t enough badass special effects and character depth / character badassness to make up for the lack of a good plot. I’m sorry, but how much I would love to love it, I can not. It’s not a total waste, but compared to Constantine this really sucked. Have in mind that Keanu Reeves plays the protagonist in Constantine. That should say a lot.

Legion is not so epic as you may think. Heed my warning and you will be fine.

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this is the crew that fought against God’s angels. Of course they will make it… what are a whole legion of angels for 5 semi-retards with rifles?

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The best god damn old lady in a movie. Ever. She’s so fantastic.

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If you’re an angel you don’t just blow holes in walls. You blow holes in walls chaped as crosses.

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Michael thought the view were quite pleasant.

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Uh-oh…

Yeah, some half-baked fan art below. At least the first one is with a hot chick. Including these pictures is not a lame attempt to make the review look longer. Really. It isn’t.

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Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

June 30th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

interior_01 I was sceptic as I got my hands on Hot Tub Time Machine. But, it actually proved to be way better than anticipated. Starring John Cusack, Clark Duke, Craig Robinson, Rob Corddry, Crispin Glover and actually Chevy Chase (!), you’re in for something in the likes of Superbad or similar comedies.

It’s about these four dudes (well, to be honest 3 middle-aged men and one fat young kid) who are bored with their adult lives (everything has just gone terribly wrong for everyone; no one has found his happyness). So they travel to this ski resort where there’s an outdoor hot tub. They drink themselves back to the stone age with a lot of alcohol and russian energy drinks, producing a whirl of time-travelling awesomeness  in the tub, finally kicking them back to the 80’s.

And then the crazy shit starts.

Hot Tub Time Machine is full of pop cultural references (my favourite: “What color is Michael Jackson?” “Black”  ….” AAAAAAHHHH!”), cocaine usage (my other favourite: “Who are you? Hunter S. Thompson?”), stupidity, nudeness and sex hunts and of course those crazy situations that manages to still be funny without really overdoing it (like in so many other movies. Yes I’m looking at you Adam Sandler). The guys are struggling with keeping up the same thing they remembered happened when they were young (you know, “The butterfly effect” – don’t change the past, you don’t know how it will affect the future). Did they make it? Hell no!

I must say that it suprised me quite a deal that the type of comedy and jokes used actually requires some thinking capacity and public knowledge to fully understand. I appreciate that.

If you wanna see a fun comedy, and especially if you’re stoned, then Hot Tub Time Machine is the weapon of choice. No questions asked. What more, it’s quite convenient that they’re back in the 80’s, because Chevy Chase hasn’t been funny since the 80’s. In this one he is.

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This is where the action is. Or was. Back in the 80’s.

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“Umm… shouldn’t we take our clothes of before taking a swim?”

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Chevy Chase playing perhaps the most weird (but also the funniest) character in the whole movie. Love it!

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Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

June 27th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

a2eb2 There have been a lot of fuzz around Law Abiding Citizen. After watching it I understood why. It’s just brilliant. I didn’t take the hype seriously, as to get my own opinion not biased by what other people think. But man, they were just so right.

The plot focuses on a Clyde Shelton (Gerard Butler) who, ten years after his wife and daughter are brutally murdered, returns to extract justice from the assistant district attorney (Jamie Foxx) who prosecuted the case against their killers. His vengeance threatens not only the man who allowed mercy to supersede justice, but also the system and the city that made it so.

Revenge is always a nice theme to have in movies, to make me as a watcher engaged in the story. Law Abiding Citizen is revenge re-defined. The way Clyde finds his way to punish the guilty and have his revenge is so clever and so cruel you just sit there and hope he manages to bust more asses, regardless of whom they belong to.

It’s difficult for me to find anything I didn’t like about this one. Perhaps the ending was a bit predictable and I would have loved the movie to end in a totally other way than what it did. But even so, I’d recommend watching it. There’s plenty of vengeance, action, blood, explosions and cleverness to go around for a whole year.

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This new kind of necklace is kinda cool. You should try it.

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“Did you or did you not steal my candy?” “Ummm…”

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Clyde about to receive a cup of whuppass in the face.

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Alice In Wonderland (2010)

June 20th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

alice-in-wonderland-2010-poster7 Directed by one of my all-time favourite directors (Tim Burton). One of my favourite actors (Johnny Depp) in one of the main roles. Fantastic surreal esthetics that only Burton manages to produce. As you may have guessed, my expectations were sky high. (I have not seen or read the original Alice in Wonderland story, so don’t give me any compared-to-the-original bullshit now, ok?).

It showed that Burton and his crew were up for the game. They did not disappoint me. Alice in Wonderland circles around the adventures of little Alice, an unpretentious and individualistic (hey, two characteristics every person in the world should possess!) 19-year-old girl. She’s about to marry this british dork cause her parents say so, but she doesn’t really want to. So she escapes on her engagement party to consider the whole thing. (Un?)fortunately she falls down into a rabbit hole in the garden. The hole leads to Underland; a world that resembles the nightmares she had as a child. There are talking animals, a state-of-the-art big headed bitch called The Red Queen with an army consisting of a deck of cards with weapons (!), bandersnatches, a mad hatter and some other really strange and original characters.

She soon discovers that she’s there for a reason – to conquer the horrific Jabberwocky (a.k.a badass dragon) and restore the rightful queen (the white queen, who is super tight – see the picture below. I’d do her any time, any day!) to her throne.

I love the surrealistic elements. I love the characters, the settings, the music – well, almost everything. I really tried but I can’t find anything negative to say about this piece of art. There is even a decent amount of violence…!

Definitely worth watching. Making a child’s tale interesting for badass people like myself is indeed a great achievement.  Big up!

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These two guys are like the best of the whole movie when considering dialogue. Just hear them out when they speak, will  ya?

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The evil, big-headed red queen. Probably needs a spanking, or maybe even a big cup of whuppass.

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Beautiful.

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Super-tight white queen. Hot.

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The hatter. J. Depp is (as usual) performing brilliantly well.

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Dolphins (2000)

June 20th, 2010 | Category: Documentaries

poster Since Carina is overfond of Dolphins, I borrowed this movie to have a chill movie night at home with her. And I think she liked it. Dolphins is an IMAX movie, which most definitely is a more awesome experience in an IMAX theater than what it was on my 42″ LCD TV at home.

Funny though that the movie actually is watchable despite being aimed for a whole different kind of screen to be watched on. For fast pacing scenes, the lack of IMAX screen was evident since everything was curved. Very curved. For the storyline, there isn’t much. But it doesn’t have to be either. The purpose of the movie is to show some astonishing scenery (which it accomplishes with brilliance). To incorporate facts about the animals and scientific research is just an educational bonus one could easily live without – but it does not harm the experience to listen to these things. But oh yeah, the story. The place is the Caribbean. We follow a young marine biologist and she learns more and more about the secrets of the dolphins.

That’s pretty much it. A cozy movie with great scenery, but no fodder for the inquisitive.

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A-Team (2010)

June 19th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

the-a-team-2010-poster Okay. So I went to the movies to see A-team with The Flackinator and The Shagdahl, carrying like seven thousand kilo of candy and some soda. My stomach hurt after that venture. But boy was it worth it. I’ve watched A-Team ever since I was a little kid (the series of choice was back in the days either A-Team, Airwolf, MacGyver,

The movie starts off in Mexico I think, where B.A retrieves his awesome black van with its red stripe. Having “pity” and “fool” tattooed on his hands, he shows no mercy as he starts fighting the foos having kept his van as hostage. At the same time, Hannibal is escaping his capture ans is off to save Face who has been captured by some druglord.

Soon enough the whole gang is gathered, including Murdock (played by Sharlto Copley, the awesome actor who played the main role in District 9). And, Jessica Biel is introduced – just as hot as ever. You then have a bunch of shootouts, explosions, dog fights in the air, more crazy action and more explosions.

That was just the introduction. I think perhaps the best introduction ever to make it on the big screen today.

Anyways. Fast forward a couple of years into the future. Soon enough they are framed for an assassination and has a shitload of job to do to clean their names. They do that with style.

A-Team is like the best action movie of all time (almost). I liked it because it stayed A-Team and did not drift into some drama mumbo-jumbo or whatever. The only thing I kinda missed was having Mr.T as B.A Baracus. I pity the foo’! I mean, if you freakin’ fly a tank with a parachute and steer your way through the air by shooting – then you don’t get so much more hardcore than that. Some people have found that lame. They are just pussyass whiners who like dramas and shit. They should just grab a BIG cup of shut-the-hell-up and stop being so negative. I found that to be truly kickass; that is the objective truth. A-Team is an experience of kickassness.

I did actually miss the original actors, just as I thought I would. But that is purely for retro reasons. The new ones are doing a great job – way better than expected. They really fit into the roles perfectly. The one who did the casting should receive a fucking huge bulk load of kudoz. After that giant badass introduction the movie just gets better and better, more intense and more intense. Bullets flying everywhere, Hannibal making even smarter and smarter plans, people racing sky scraper walls and shooting at the same time, airplanes bombing houses, and… yeah, the list goes on until infinity.

You maybe think that I give A-Team way too much credit. If you do, it just proves that A) you haven’t seen the movie yet or B) you are mentally retarded and I hate you.

So let’s cut the jibba-jabba and get to the point. I pity the foo who doesn’t see A-Team. Sucka!

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Lots of badassness. Like this.

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The Van!

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A-Team. Booooyah!

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The Twilight Zone – S03E08 – It’s a Good Life (1961)

June 19th, 2010 | Category: The Twilight Zone

On an isolated family farm, a young spoiled dipshit for a boy with vast mental powers, but lacking emotional development, holds his terrified family in thrall to his every juvenile wish. That is, what he wishes comes true. And he usually wishes everyone who thinks negative thoughts away, or kill them, or does something else with them.

Anyways, the idea is kinda nice but I’m really frustrated that the little kid is so god damn annoying. That he keeps on blabbering the same lines over and over again (as well as the other characters do too) doesn’t help much. GOD, would you just please shut the FUCK UP you little piece of worthless pile of alligator poo. Go fuck yourself and die or something.

Besides that, it was kinda good since the ending was not a happy one. I hate happy endings – they are so predictable.

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The most annoying kid in the whole world. If I could, I would have perfmored retroactive abortion on his ugly ass.

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The Twilight Zone – S03E07 – The Grave (1961)

June 19th, 2010 | Category: The Twilight Zone

Old West lawman Conny Miller visits the grave of a man who he failed to track down to prove he was never afraid of him but gets more than he bargained for. Quite thin story (well, what do you expect from a 25 minute episode reay?) which will leave you with a doubt in the end. I’d say this would fall into those classic pieces of ghost tales, and it’s quite good too.

Thumbs up.

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The Book Of Eli (2010)

June 12th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

book_of_eli_ver2 Okay, so this is how I like my post-apocalyptic stuff (in contrast to The Road). Some badass lone ranger walking the wastelands and kicking ass wherever he goes. You know, “The Chosen One” thingie. In The Book Of Eli, Denzel Washington is that dude (named Eli, if you hadn’t already guessed from the title). Gary Oldman plays his nemesis, Carnegie. Both of them do a hell of a good job. In fact, the whole cast does a great job. I like the thing with the main character being utterly superior to everyone else. Like Eli is in this movie. We need more of that shit. Too often the protagonist is too much of a either volatile or flawed being, having some kind of inherent weakness he has to overcome to beat the bad guy in the end. Eli is just pure fucking 100% badassness from the start. No shitting around here for anything.

The Book Of Eli is a post-apocalyptic tale, in which Eli fights his way across America in order to protect a sacred book (yeah, the Bible…) that holds the secrets to saving humankind.

Besides being a fucking awesome movie with all these nice post-apocalyptic settings in the wastelands, Eli being a badass motherfucker mutilating every opposition he ever meet, lots of original characters, lots of blood, lots of epic scenes,  (the list goes on) I’m especially really glad for one thing: The directors had the balls to emphasize the religious part. The book Eli is carrying (the Bible) is given great importance, and there are a lot of other religious aspects coming into play here. A vague suggestion that the book will restore the world back into order and prosperity, that living by the Bible and christian morality is the solution to almost all problems.

I like that. Nobody nowadays (except Mel Gibson of course, but he’s a nutjob so Mel doesn’t count) has the guts to stand for such an opinion in fear of receiving too much hatred from the chickenshit majority of people who always have to be so god damn politically correct. Well, fuck you I’d say. And big up to Albert and Allen Hughes (the directors).

So anyways. I loved the movie. In fact, I loved it so much I could watch it again just to see all fancy fighting scenes and astonishing environments once again. Really, I would. Like, in one scene Eli shoots down a bird from the sky with his bow just by hearing where he is flying. Yep, he does. Besides,  hot babe deluxe Mila Kunis plays a major role too as Solara (you know, the voice of Meg from Family Guy or Jackie from That 70’s Show). That should be enough to convince you that this is some serious good shit you can’t live without seeing.

Easily on my top-movies-of-all-time list. Together with District 9, Equilibrium and a few others.

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If you were the camera man right now, you would have an arrow pierced through your heart and you wouldn’t know you were dead before you were dead. That’s how badass Eli is.

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When it is too dry outside, Eli can make it rain. He just looks at the sky and the sky will piss its pants.

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Carnegie: “Oh rly?”
Eli: “Ya rly”
Then he walked out of the place after dismembering Carnegie for 2 hours.

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Solara wants Eli. But Eli wants to kick some more butt. With his bow and arrow.

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There’s a lot of walking to be done if you’re walking cross America.

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The Road (2009)

June 12th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

the_road_movie_poster1 I love post-apocalyptic stuff. The setting is so god damn nice; it always has and always will remind me of the Fallout game series. The best games ever made in history of mankind. I promise you that.

Anyways. So I got interested in The Road since I saw a movie poster of it somewhere, depicting post-apocalyptic stuff. My friend Claudio informed me that the movie actually is based on a book, something I wasn’t aware of. Apparently, according to Claudio, the book is just as boring as the movie (although he does not agree with me that it was boring. He just said that the movie was a lot like the book. Which means in my world that both were boring. Cause the movie was boring as hell).

Well, should we say something about the plot first, perhaps? Yeah, let’s steal a summary from IMDB:

A father and his son walk alone through burned America. Nothing moves in the ravaged landscape save the ash on the wind and water. It is cold enough to crack stones, and, when the snow falls it is gray. The sky is dark. Their destination is the warmer south, although they don’t know what, if anything, awaits them there. They have nothing: just a pistol to defend themselves against the lawless cannibalistic bands that stalk the road, the clothes they are wearing, a rusting shopping cart of scavenged food–and each other.

So this it not any kickass post-apocalyptic action movie where there is war going on, or loads of weapons and killings and stuff. It’s a fucking drama. A drama! Nothing ever happens; the most exciting thing that did happen was when encountering a house filled with human prisoners, and the accompanying escape from that house when the cannibals returned back home. Oh yeah, the Woman of the family is an egoistic bitch too.

A weak ending screaming anti-climax, misfortune and dissapointment. This was just pure shit. And trust me. I’m really trying to like the movie – all because of my post-apocalypse fetishism. But I can’t. Yeah, sure, for you drama-queens and crybabies out there who think Hugh Grant is the peak of entertainment may actually enjoy this piece of dog poo. I didn’t. Some people will say it is a “beautiful story”. Well, sorry, but too much drama mumbo-jumbo and too little badass action does not make a beautiful story. It makes a boring story.

There you go. The Road should hit The Road and never come back again (harr harr harr).

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You will see a lot of cart-pushing.

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… and around-a-cart-standing.

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This will however not be so much of. Unfortunately.

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Not this either. It could have been soo much better… :-(.

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Pandorum (2009)

June 12th, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

pandorum_movie_poster2 Let me describe this movie in 4 words for you:

Event Horizon meets Alien.

There you go. That is basically what this is. Unfortunately there are no synergy effects from being alike two masterpieces. Don’t misunderstand me here. Pandorum is good. Pandorum is actually a great movie. But it is not as good as the two I mentioned earlier.

Two crew members are stranded on a spacecraft (Elysium) and quickly – and horrifically – realize they are not alone. Two astronauts awaken in a hyper-sleep chamber aboard a seemingly abandoned spacecraft. It’s pitch black, they are disoriented, and the only sound is a low rumble and creak from the belly of the ship. (This is the uncanny “Event Horizon”-like part).

They can’t remember anything: Who are they? What is their mission? With Lt. Payton staying behind to guide him via radio transmitter, Cpl. Bower ventures deep into the ship and begins to uncover a terrifying reality. Slowly the spacecraft’s shocking, deadly secrets are revealed…and the astronauts find their own survival is more important than they could ever have imagined. (i.e. they are hunted by some humanoid creatures that are like a million times faster, harder, stronger, and more brutal than what they themselves are. This is the “Alien”-like part of the movie).

I liked Pandorum because of its dark tone. It’s evil, it’s uncanny, it’s frightening and everything’s so tense. I don’t like the use of shock horror, which may have been used a little bit too much sometimes. I also think they introduced the alienish Hunter thingies a bit too early into the movie. Not much left then except a survival horror movie (which isn’t bad per se, but the first part of the movie indicated it would be something else).

The twist in the end however did a lot to make the movie last as a pleasant experience. I’ve needed something like Pandorum for a long while. I’ve missed these ghost-story-in-space movies. There are too few of that kind, and far too few that is any good.

Pandorum is definitely worth watching. Despite its few shortcomings mentioned above, I’d choose this movie over a lot of other shit out there today. Just be sure to watch it on a big screen and the volume (especially the subwoofer) cranked up to max.

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It’s somewhere around here the shit has really hit the fan

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He doesn’t look too happy…

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“I dare you to jump!”

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“…eh?”

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Hey, locking me up inside a giant class-door tin can was not part of the deal!

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Dorian Gray (2009)

June 01st, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

dorian-gray-poster Based on the novel by Oscar Wilde (which I read when I was in ninth grade or something, which is like 10 years ago), this is the story of the man who bartered with the devil for eternal youth and beauty for the neat price of his soul.

I don’t remember much from the book, except I adored the way Oscar Wilde used the English language. Like Hunter S. Thompson and Stephen King he was a master of getting it totally right. So I can’t say if the movie deviates much from the original story or not. But the main thing is there. The portrait, the youthness, the depravation and decay.

Dorian Gray arrives in London to move into the bigass house he has inherited. This badass old dude Lord Henry Wotton influences the young Dorian with (what the aristocrats would call) amorality and ideals perhaps not fit for a young lord.

Well, both Henry and Dorians says a big FUCK YOU to the aristocrats and goes their own satisfaction-savouring way of living their lives. So debauchery and violence becomes commonplace routine for these gentlemen. Then one day Dorian gets his picture portrayed, and he wishes that he himself would last forever instead of the painting. A wish that is granted. Dorian never grows old. But the painting does. A secret Dorian must protect at all costs. Oh yeah, and he smokes a lot of opium and gets laid like the biggest man whore in history.

For being a drama with no real bloodshed (well, there are some but that’s not much) it’s quite good. Carina liked it. I liked it. But I think I liked the book better, as far as I can remember (which isn’t much). Cause I remember I was astonished by Wilde’s writing. I was not astonished by the work of Oliver Parker, the director. I liked it. But it didn’t astonish me.

So, what you get is actually a quite deal of (not so revealing) sex scenes and a bit of supernatural phenomena. Almost a bit predictable about how things will end, but nevertheless I thought it was worth seeing.

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Henry and Dorian, the badest motherfucker in British high society.

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This dude gets a lot of girls.

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… like the two whores in the background. But they were more of opium providers or something. He got stone high.

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The portrait and the real deal.

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