Archive for May 22nd, 2010

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)

May 22nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

3740476293_318efab636 What a crock of sentimental Disney bullshit. No, I did not have my hopes up high as an action movie from Disney may only be good to a certain (low) level. Think of Prince of Persia as a Middle eastern variant of Indiana Jones. I would have enjoyed a far more serious epic depicted on screen; like more killings, more violence, and letting the characters actually speak persian instead of english-with-an-accent. I hate that.

I think Carina summarized my feelings quite well: “I didn’t expect the movie to be so…. girly”. And that is exactly what I thought too. That is also the problem with the movie. Too little badassness. Too much joking around.

What they did good though was to keep the atmosphere and techniques from the game. It’s a lot of scenes where our prince jumps between rooftops, ladders, using ropes for other acrobatic stunts and so on. Which is what Prince of Persia always have been about. So kudoz for that.

Anyways. Prince of Persia is set in medieval Persia. A prince (well not really a prince; a boy the king adopts from the street) teams up with a rival princess to stop an angry ruler from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy the world (oh-my-goooood!).

In addition to that, he prince is framed with the murder of the kind, and he has to prove his innocence. He gets hold of a dagger which has the power to turn back time for short periods. So, on a  mission to stop the end of the world and at the same time in the middle of serious family intrigues, and a “lovely” but annoying girl involved too – you’re set for your typical Disney adventure.

As for the cast, all little 14-year old girls will probably love Jake Gyllenhaal. The princess is played by Gemma Arterton – she’s kinda cute, but since it’s Disney you won’t see any (female) nudity scenes. So stop your dreaming right there. Then we have the main man himself, Ben Kingsley who at least brings some (although very little) badassness to the crew. You will recognize his bald head immediately.

Prince of Persia is like Clash of the Titans – but not as good. There are no GFSs (Giant Fucking Scorpions), although there are some serpents and Hashshashins. Which really are the only cool things in the movie. They are alike in the way they end. Some girl/princess is dying and then being “resurrected” in the end, making it all a total piece of bullshitness (yeah I just invented that word. I am so kickass! Oh I gotta go see kickass soon. Anyone wanna join?)

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“Oh god mr Prince, please help me out from this lethal pool of water”

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Hey ummm… there’s some guys coming over there. Should I chop them to pieces?

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Breakdancing going bad for the spooky assassin. This is how we rave, motherfucker!

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Look at how serious they all look. Too bad the movie wasn’t serious at all.

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One of the greatest bald heads in history. After mine, of course.

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Clash Of The Titans (2010)

May 22nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

267da_clash_of_the_titans_poster02 Okay. Just let me spell out something for you. G-I-A-N-T   F-U-C-K-I-N-G  S-C-O-R-P-I-O-N-S. I saw them in the trailer and I immediately knew I was going to love this new version of Clash of the Titans. (No, I have not seen the original movie and unless it has giant scorpions in it, I won’t see it either).

So I went with Dennis to the cinema to watch it in 3D. Let me comment that briefly. The commericals before the movie was actually quite awesome in 3D. Like the Festsis-bottle flying into your face, or some breakdancer going bananas and landing a move on your head. But for the movie, the 3D effects did some to the feeling of depth – that’s true – but it was not kickass in such a way as throwing things outside the screen onto you.

To set the level so high in the commercials made the 3D effects in the actual movie quite dissapointing.

But who gives a fuck when you have giant fucking scorpions? They even freaking ride them later on in the movie too!

So yeah, about the plot. Zeus have had some fun down on earth sleeping around with a lot of human women (who wouldn’t when they’re as tight as they are), thus producing an offspring named Perseus (pronounced Peaaaöööööösiiijuuuuus for those with that god damn annoying british accent).Perseus is thrown in the sea together with his unfaithful mother (although I don’t blame her. Zeus made himelf look like her husband thus fooling her), but are save by a fisherman family.

Later on a couple of years onward Zeus is getting mad at the human race cause they’re basically a bunch of assholes (which many of us are in fact). So Hades (excellently played by Ralph Fiennes), Zeus brother and a mean motherfucker convinces Zeus to teach the humans a lesson by like… killing them or something.

Of course it will be up to this halfbreed changeling Perseus to stop the Gods from slaughtering the humans and bringing peace to mankind. And then there are giant fucking scorpions and a tremendously big sea monster called The  Kraken (apparently from norse mythology). And yeah, it’s waaaay more badass in the movie than it is on wikipedia. You will have to see for yourself. Like in the pictures I’ve added.

The movie has raised a serious question in my mind. Or rather I should say that I have come to a very important conclusion, leaving around a lot of questions: To be a God must be really, really, really boring in the long run. Because all they seem to do (both in this movie and in other movies) is sitting on their shiny thrones (which by the way always looks so god damn uncomfortable. Made of stone or gold or whatever, hard as fucking diamonds and no cushions at all. I would’ve lasted like 10 minutes in such a throne), and doing like…. exactly what? Observing the world? Jesus christ I would be so utterly bored after just a couple of minutes sitting there doing absolutely nothing (well except for perhaps chatting with my fellow Gods. Who also sit there and do exactly nothing). That work sucks! What do they do all day long?

If I should complain about one thing in th emovie it’s the ending. Why the hell did it have to be so Hollywood-ishly good? When a movie for once get the chance to show some real cojones by killing like everything and thus avoiding a happy ending, some shitty greek God decides to make it all good by bringing a bitch back to life who should’ve died long time ago. Well, fuck you. She should’ve stayed dead, as most people usually do when they die. (I’ll get back to this subject in my upcoming review on Prince of Persia. The time travelling sands of time shit can go fuck itself too).

I think I’ve written enough now. You get the picture. Giant fucking scorpions, kickass fighting and flying, a huuuuuuuuge seamonster and like… no, nothing more. That’s enough. GFS. Giant Fucking Scorpions. I’m in love.

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The motherkrakking Kraken (harr harr)

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Kraken going bananas

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This is where the Gods hang out and do… well, what do they do?

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The Zeus statue is not trying to catch some fish, although it seems like that. The humans have dececrated the Gods by destroying the statues. Human kind is asking for an ass whuppin’.

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Medusa. I would have slept with her, if the wasn’t half snake. And if the wasn’t out to kill me. And if the had real hair instead of a lot of snakes. And if I wouldn’t turn to stone if I looked into her eyes.

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Movie poster YEAH awesomeness. Like GFS, mystical middle eastern ninjas made of wood or something (Djinns), and those peculiar blind witches. I would NOT like to sleep with them. Urrrgh…

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GFS. Ah ma gaaawd, this is what made the movie so incredibly awesome.

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Djinn and a half-God out to bash some Medusa ass. Booyah!

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The whole class is out on excursion.

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Zeus: “Oh rly?”
Perseus: “ya rly.”

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“Hey you god damn beggar witch, get yer dirty paws off my half-God body, y’hear?”

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Moments after this dude became rock sild (harr harr…)

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Kraken! Booyah!

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“I see dead people”

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GFS. Again. And some Djinns. This is a true scene of epicness. Goose bumps all over my body. Almost got a boner too.

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