Archive for May 2nd, 2010

The Sasquatch Gang (2006)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

sasquatch_gang A movie about nerds. Directed by Tom Skousen, who also gave us the masterpiece Napoleon Dynamite. If you’ve seen that one, you know you’re in for something… umm… special. These movies are not like any others (well, except perhaps for Kevin Smith’s movies). So many of you brainless fucks out there with no sense for quality will surely dismiss this as boring piece of shit. And I salute you for that; for being such mindless retards. May you have a pleasant stay in hell making out with pitchforks for all eternity.

Anyways. Gavin Gore, a young fantasy/sci-fi aficionado (well… let’s just say a total nerd) and his friends stumble upon some huge footprints in the woods. When these guys together with the authorities starts to investigate this, their dim-witted neighbors plans a scheme to profit from the situation.

What is good about this movie (as well as Napoleon Dynamite) is not the story itself. It’s irrelevant. The characters and the dialogue is everything. Everything. The dialogue is clever. The characters genuinely original. Some actors have been re-used from Napoleon Dynamite, although the characters aren’t the same. This together makes up for a great viewing experience.

Recommended if you have more than a peanut for a brain and better taste than all mainstream whores.

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The nerdz.

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They Wait (2007)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

2rh1aaw They Wait is a classic ghost story. It’s nothing new, it’s nothing special. And it’s all good.

A family who has been living in Shanghai for three years return to North America for a family funeral. The family consists of the wife Sarah, the husband Jason and the young son Sammy. Soon enough they relize that something isn’t right. Sammy starts seeing ghosts and is getting ill. No medical treatment seems to work. A mysterious pharmacist warns Sarah and Jason that Sammy is in a death grip by a living corpse (and the corpse design is like… all shamelessly taken from Ringu or Ju-On. That’s a good thing though, since the ghosts/corpses/whatever from these movies scared the living shit out of me).

And then you have the usual stuff. You know, the mother trying to figure out what the hell is going on and how to stop everything to save her son. And the son is just a lame ass whining bitch and does nothing to save himself from fatality.

As I said; it’s nothing new. But it’s still good. Special effects, sound design, acting, paranormal phenomena, amount of scare time and so on – it’s all good.

You expect a classic ghost story. You get a classic ghost story. By meeting the expectations, can you really say anything else than it was worth seeing? No, you can’t.

Can’t say I really got the title of the movie, though. Probably “They wait… to catch a whining little urchin and put a Spell of Death on his ass”. Or something like that.

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National Geographic: History’s Secrets – Moon Landings

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Documentaries

About a 50 minutes long documentary depicting the american moon landings. Unlike every other documentary who touches upon the subject  of conspiracy theories (both crappy “documentaries promoting these ridiculous ideas as well as other really good ones punching the shit out of them), this National Geographic documentary purely revolves around what happened, why it happened, and how close it was to ta total disaster. Famous astronauts as well as co-workers are interviewed and tells their tales.

You probably know most things that are told here, but some new facts (at least for me) emerged; especially all the things about how it nearly ended in disaster – and how they succeeded with a ton of luck.

Not really worth the time unless you’re really into space travelling and that kind of stuff.

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Everything’s Gone Green (2006)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

everythings_gone_green_ver2 IMDB says it’s a comedy. I’d say it’s a slice-of-life drama with some elements of comedy. Everything’s Gone Green, I thought, would be about weed. Smoking weed, growing weed, selling weed. You know, like your typical stoner-movie á la Harold & Kumar. It wasn’t.

We get to follow Ryan Arlen, a 29-year old who is floundering in his life. Therefore his bitch (a.k.a girlfriend who’s a total bitch) dumps him and kicks him out of their apartment. Thereafter he loses his job and everything is just going like shit for him.

But, a chain of circumstances are getting him back on his feet. He gets a new job and the opportunity to be the live-in caretaker of an (extreeeeemely huge) empty upscale condo complex. Stuff is happening all around him; his dad loses his job, he bumps into a Golf Course Designer (is that even a job?) who convinces him to use his newly found job for some entreprenual business ventures and things start to get interesting for Ryan.

It sounds boring and it actually is quite boring. It’s all about questioning the meaning of life, existence and all this mumbo jumbo. I miss my zombies, my robot killing machines, car chases, explosions and vampire fights. Yeah, I would’ve loved to see Ryan turn into a zombie and start hunting vampires. Or the other way around.

It’s fucking boring! He doesn’t even get laid on screen despite the fact that he meets new girls and shit like that. NOTHING EVER HAPPENS. It’s like watching 95 minutes of boredom! Well, at least there actually are some pot in the movie; his friend is growing it and convinces his parents to grow some too. But that’s about it. Then the movie ends.

The tagline the movie uses – “A new sort of comedy” – is saying it all. It is a new sort of comedy alright. A boring sort of comedy. The movie poster (which I should have looked at in the first place) even reveals that it’s a piece of shit. It’s just one dude who thinks about his parents, a whale, a girl, a friend and a cow, his work and a fucking car. Big action adventure expected!

Boring piece of crap I tell you. Why the hell did I ever see this shit? (hey, did you realize that ‘this’ and ‘shit’ is an anagram?)

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Carver (2007)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

carver Carver is a low budget, horror festival winning movie apparently based on true events. It’s like a horror/drama realization of snuff movies. Five friends goes on a short camping trip in the mountain town of Halycyon Ridge. Of course they take a small detour to an abandoned stockyard owned by a family named Carver.

The Carver family is not like every other family though. Cause this gang of friends stumble across a couple of amateur horror films who are set in the stockyard, and soon discover that there’s a bit of reality incorporated into these films.

There’s some really nasty scenes in this movie. Some scenes even making me feel nauseous. So be sure to watch the uncut version, or you will miss all the good parts. Like look at the picture below. And you have  another nasty scene involving a set of pliers and a testicle… Not for the weak, in other words.

Carver starts out really bad. You will be thinking in terms of what-the-hell-is-this-crap and why-the-fuck-am-I-watching-this-low-budget-piece-of-crap. But then the gore starts coming and you realize that there’s more in this movie than you first suspected. Besides, you have this big guy doing all the killing, reminding you of a cross-breed between Leatherface and that creepy big mentally retarded hunter from Haunting Grounds on the PS2 (see picture below).

You will be surprised, if you like gore flicks at all. If you don’t, you should.

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Heads will be rolling!

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Leatherface + this badass dude ==> the killer in Carver.

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The Messengers (2007)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

untitled A family moves to North Dakota to take on sun flower farming as a last resort to sorting out their broken economy. The family consists of The Dad, The Mom, The Teenage Daughter and the Little Infant Child Who Cannot Speak.

Everything seems to be going well, except that the house they moved into seems to have a history. A history that shows its ugly face (yes, it truly is ugly!) for the children of the family. The tagline for the movie goes like this:

There is evidence to suggest that children are highly susceptible to paranormal phenomena. They see what adults cannot. They believe what adults deny. And they are trying to warn us.

I thought the movie would revolve more around this, but it doesn’t. For sure, it’s just little Ben that sees the ghosts first, and then the elder sister starts seeing things and the parents are the last ones to notice. But they do notice in the end. And that kinda takes away all the fun from the suspension the tagline promised me.

But even with that fact stated, the movie is still good. There isn’t much new stuff that you haven’t seen before. There are crows. Crows attacking people. There are the ghostly characters running around in the background and beeing creepy. There are the ghosts that slowly walk up on you behind your back and almost scare you to death. There’s the blood stain that won’t disappear. But I don’t care about that shit; it doesn’t matter that I’ve seen it before. There is still plenty of suspension, and the visual design of all elements in the movie are just perfect.  The setting is great for a movie of this genre. Actors are doing their job fine.

The Messengers is not the best movie of its kind. And it’s not the worst. As I saw someone mention somewhere, The Messengers could be perceived as The Birds + Ju On + Amityville Horror + Sixth Sense. It’s nothing new, but it’s a damn good combination of movies.

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Your new house of dreams. Welcome home!

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Look at me, I’m coming through a wall and I still look like a fucking retard! Wooooo!

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Hey, watch the makeup!

THE MESSENGERS

Seconds later the crows were all over him and chopping him up.

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“The holes in my forehead are _not_ meant for penetration, so don’t try anything funny!”

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Reign Of Fire (2002)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Movie Reviews

reign_of_fire I don’t remember how I got hold of this movie, but as I found it laying about I said to myself – “hey, dipshit, why not give this crappy movie a chance?” And I’m glad I did. Reign Of Fire, I thought, would be some kind of lame ass b-movie action or horror flick. But, with a star-filled cast (Christian Bale, Matthew McConaughey [fuck what hard his name is to spell], Izabella Scorupco, Gerard Butler and probably a lot more people that are known but I just don’t recognize) I was in for quite some adventure.

So, this is the deal. It’s present-day London. A little brat (Quinn, later played by Christian Bale) watches as his mother who works as a construction engineer wakes a huuuuge fire-breathing dragon in a cave deep underground.

Fast-forward 20 years. The dragon has like devoured the whole planet and spawned million of offsprings. Humans have taken a step down in the food chain. Some isolated fortifications of humans still remain around the world. Quinn is leading one of them, trying to shelter a small group of humans and warding off dragons if they ever come close.

In the middle of all this, a badass american sergeant (Van Zan) and his crew comes along to whupp some dragon ass. And here’s where the action begins!

The special effects, especially animatronics and rendering of the dragons are really important. The crew succeeded in this part. Hats of for presenting one of the best dragons on screen. Ever.

Reign of Fire was way better than my expectations. And for once we can have dragons without having all that fucking medieval bullshit around. I’m glad for that. Bring forth the Apache helicopters, the bazookas, the rifles and the tanks and let’s start blasting some ugly fuck dragons from the air!

Recommended!

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This was London. Now it’s ashes.

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Don’t mess with me , you god damn ugly lizard.

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Van Zan, one of the badest motheruckers on planet Earth.

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Discovery Channel: The Truth Behind The Moon Landings (2003)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: Documentaries

Discovery Channel are busting the balls on the conspiracy theorists in this documentary. The Truth Behind the Moon Landings takes you on a tour and shows loud and clear that the moon landing did occur, and that the conspiracy theorists just are jelous motherfuckers with no sense of reality at all. Conspiracy theorists that live way out in the desert in a trailer with a bunch of cats. No, they don’t look crazy at all. And it’s quite obvious in some of the cases that it’s jealousy that has made these ideas sprout (one guy got fired from NASA or something, and he’s one of the loudest voices amongst this horde of mindfucks).

Every argument from these nutjobs you’ve heard earlier is broken down and clearly demonstrated in a scientific way and put down with no questions remaining unanswered. All the things like no stars showing in the sky, different angles on shadows, reflections, the wavering flag (but no wind on the moon), the movement suspected of just being played back at lower speed, … . The list goes on, and all these objections are shown to be invalid.

I’m really glad I got the chance to see a documentary about conspiracy theories taken from this point of view instead. In every other documentary you always get the feeling that they are promoting the theories, but not reall crediting the people who were there and worked with the issue at hand.

If you are one of those motherfuckers who think the moon landing never happened, or if you are one of those (like me) who like to punch people in the face when they claim such nonsense, then this is absolutely the documentary for you.

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The Twilight Zone – S03E06 – The Mirror (1961)

May 02nd, 2010 | Category: The Twilight Zone

The Mirror. A story about paranoia. When the peasant Ramos Clemente leads a successful revolution in his undefined country (Cuba, anyone?), the former dictator General De Cruz advises that his mirror is magic and can anticipate who will murder him. Clement becomes paranoid and kills each one of his revolutionary comrades believing that they want to murder him.

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You’ve seen it before. People getting paranoid and turning on eachother. So this brings nothing new or revolutionary (harr harr). It’s predictable, uninteresting and actually quite boring since you already know from the start how things are going to end.

Boooo!

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