With the original title Sutorîto faitâ IV – Aratanaru kizuna (2009) you couldn’t expect anything else than shit. First off I didn’t even realize I didn’t have to watch it with english spoken language – I had the opportunity to switch to Japanese spoken language. That, I am glad for. If I didn’t I would’ve turned off that shit in an instant.

Basically, what we got here is just a crappy movie that Capcom felt it would be worth throwing out to the audience when they are about to release the game Steet Fighter IV. Even the fucking movie poster lies. All characters listed on the picture isn’t even in the movie!

Don’t misunderstand me here. Street Fighter is my favourite fighting game, especially Street Fighter II. I played a shitload of tournaments when I was young and all characters combos are programmed right into my spine. I still feel some kind of affection towards Guile, Ryu and M. Bison (the Bison in the American version; the dude with the cape and hat and shit you know) – my favourite characters in the whole game. Except Akuma, but he’s special.

So, to get a movie where they most bullshit around and don’t have much fighting at all is just a shame to a movie having the words “Street Fighter” in its title. Or just ‘Fighter’ for that sake too. You get some kinde of introduction to some of the new fighter in the fourth installment of the game series, but that’s about it. Luckily the length of the movie doesn’t exceed 65 minutes. If I were you, I’d skip this movie and go see the Street Fighter II: Victory series instead. Waaaaay better in all kind of ways!

I loved the Simpsons. I still do. And I love Family Guy even more. Those TV series are huge. But then they all suffered from the same disease; their creators created new TV series which weren’t as near as funny as the original ones. In the case of Family Guy we got American Dad. Decent, but not good. In the case of The Simpsons, we got Futurama. Not good at all.

Futurama isn’t funny. Anytime. Anywhere. I get the jokes but I don’t laugh. I get the morbid comedy but I still don’t laugh. I get the cross references to our society. Still no laughter. The only thing that raises Futurama to one level above total suckyness is our main man the robot Bender. He’s the real definition of a fucking badass robot motherfucker. But other than that we got jack shit here in terms of comedy.

Thus, it wasn’t easy for me watching this movie. Indeed, it did suck. Futurama: The Beast With a Biillion Backs circles around our main characters trying to fix a rip in the universe. It seems like there’s another planet or something with tentacles (!) that tries to reach through this rip in the universe and seduce all mankind. At the same time the robots on planet earth are led by Bender to fight a bloody revolution against mankind.

Or something like that. I couldn’t give less shit about the story since something that was supposed to be funny wasn’t funny. I’m not dissapointed. I had no expectations at all which makes it hard to be dissapointed. It did however suck.

Former US Navy Seal soldiers going gangster by smuggling narcotics from Mexico cross the border to the United States. What they didn’t take into account is that Jean-Claude Van Damme is here to kick their asses. Literally.

The Shepherd: Border Patrol is perhaps one of the better movies starring JCVD. That statement doesn’t bear witness to much though, since there has like only been crappy movies he has starred in. This time around though you get some quality in the fight scenes; great use of slowmotion effects in combination with a bit blood. That does not totally make up for the pain you experience watching such crappy acting and stupid badguys though (why the hell does the main badguy drop the gun in the end and instead go at JCVD with a knife? How fucking retarded isn’t that? Jesus).

And what the hell was the deal with that fucking rabbit? If it was supposed to give some kind of deep to the character, then they failed. I’m sorry but  the whole thing doesn’t feel ‘real’. So don’t expect any intruiging story or anything of that kind. But really, who the hell need that shit when you get to see a lot of ass-whuppin’ ? I don’t care what rationale the main character has for kicking butt – he’s still beating the shit out of people and it looks like a piece of awesomeness. I’m satisfied. You should be too.

This is your perfect hangover movie.

Also known as The Warlords. This is a chinese movie starring Jet Li. It circles around three blood brothers (Jet Li one of them) and their struggle in the midst of war. Apparently based on “The Assassination of Ma” which took place during the Qing dynasty (1644-1911) in China and was about the killing of badass general Ma Xinyi.

The movie fucking sucked. Well, maybe not all bad but almost. First of all, chinese spoken language isn’t nearly as badass as for example japanese. Second of all, it was hard keeping up with all the struggles between the bandits, the various generals, and of coure there were a bit too many slow-paced scenes.

Of course you have your giant battles with like… millions of blood-thirsty soldiers fighting for their lives. And yes, Jet Li opens a can of whuppass on most of them; but he’s not that invincible ultra-hardcore motherfucking badass as you’re used to see him. It may be because the movie was supposed to be based on an actual historical event, but what do I know…

For a movie being a bit over 2 god damn hours there were way to little blood. It’s not one of Jet Li’s better performances, so you can safely skip this one without having any bad Oh-my-god-I-missed-a-Jet-Li-movie-conscience.

Or, I may have a better idea in store for you. Borrow this one on DVD. Watch the epic battles (they are astonishing, although you have the same why-the-hell-do-I-use-129879000-cameras-and-cut-shit-together-syndrome making you perceive almost jack shit) and then fast-forward through the boring parts. That should do it. Then you have yourself a mutilating Jet Li (and two other chinese dudes) going fucking berserk on like million of other chinese dudes.

(If you liked this you should probably catch the first screen adaptation of the story too.)

Inglorious Basterds. What we have here is basically a gang of jewish-american soldiers getting their well deserved revenge on those fucking nazi scums, led by sergeant motherfucking kickass Aldo Raine (Brad Bitt). Yep, that is totally correcto. Then you have Hitler shitting his pants because his boys are getting fucked up by a bunch of american nazi-slayers. Badass.

As always when it comes to Tarantinos movies you know you will love it. I don’t think I have seen a single movie made by that guy that I haven’t loved. He’s just simply the best fucking director out there. My hopes were sky-high for this movie, and I got what I wanted.

Know that Inglorious Basterds is not a feast in blood, even though it seems like that from all the posters and commercials. You don’t get your regular gore á la Tarantino, e.g. like Pulp Fiction or Reservoir Dogs. But that doesn’t make it bad. It makes the movie more interesting. Know that you have a shitload of dialogue where it seems like nothing is happening. Usually that would bore me out and make me fall asleep in the movie theater. It didn’t. I don’t know how the hell he’s doing it, but he transformed something usually awfully boring into something so intense you couldn’t concentrate on anything else but the dialogue.

The characters were just awesome kickass; You have Aldo Raine which is this definition of badass. He invented badass. And Brad Pitt is actually a great actor. If you weren’t convinced by his tribute in Snatch, then first of all you’re fucking stupid and retarded; but secondly you will be convinced by his part in this movie.

Then you have this other soldier who beats the living shit out of the german soldiers with a bat (!). Yep, you read ‘bat’. If that isn’t the definition of a mean motherfucker, then what is? Adolf Hitler surely shows his fugly moustache-decorated face together with Goebbels and his other retarded henchmen.

That is correcto. Everybody owes Aldo the Apache 100 nazi scalps. And he wants his nazi scalps.

Big kudoz to Tarantino for bringing actors who actually can speak the other languages that are portrayed in the movie. You have german actors playing most of the nazi dudes, giving it a bit more authentic feeling. I’m very impressed by the way they seemlessy change from one language to another. The french speak french, the german speak german, the english speak english, and the proposed italian guys speak… well… some kind of italian (‘Bonjorno’ and ‘correcto’ – two quotes you will remember after seeing this film). Christoph Waltz (playing the role as Hans Landa) is most impressive speaking a total of 4 languages in the movie, and I can’t tell that he’s at fault when speaking any of those. Wonderful. I love how Tarantino did not resort to letting the actors speaking english with a german accent (which ruined Valkyrie…)

“Hey, look at me! I’m a fucking retarded nazi soldier with a god damn card on my forehead. Why the hell is there a card on my forehead? I don’t know but I’ll scream like a total retard anyway, ’cause I wanna sleep with the bitch on my right side before you other nazi scums get yer dirty hands on her.”

Inglorious Basterds has everything. Comedy, excitement, action, drama, excellent story, perfect acting, and a whole deal of fantastic dialogue (which has always been one of Tarantino’s trademarks).

Many of you have asked me if I thought this one was better than District-9. I won’t make that comparison, since it is unfair. It is two completely different type of movies, and there’s no way in hell I could justify why I think one of them is better than the other. No way. So piss off.

Inglorious Basterds is something you can’t afford to miss. Now I will spend some time watching the movie where this movie got its title from – Quel maledetto treno blindato (The Inglorious Bastards) (1978).

This is a masterpiece from Tarantino. Again.

There isn’t much I can tell you about the story without spoiling the whole fun. Some people (young people, of course – not teenagers this time though) goes out to a cabin by a lake. They tell spooky stories around the camp fire. Things start to happen and then they must run for their lives.

That’s about what I can tell you without spoiling it all. If the movie would’ve totally sucked, I would have spoiled everything here for you – thus sparing you the agony of having to watch crap. But it isn’t that bad.

Yes, it is almost the same as all these stupid-kids-in-the-forest-horror-movies, but adds an extra touch of plot-twists which you probably have seen before in other movies. Nothing really original and it’s not something to jump high for, but it serves its purpose and makes the movie a bit more interesting than it otherwise would have been.

Neither the chicks, the gore nor the special effects are of extraordinary nature, but as I wrote regarding the plot twists – it serves its purpose.

Sam’s Lake is a decent horror movie but really nothing special. Not bad, not good, not going to be remembered in the history of moviemaking (or my mind either).

One word is enough to describe this movie: CRAP. Just read the tagline, and know that JCVD is doing the main role:

They put him in a coma, now he’s going to put them out of their misery.

Riiight… Well, what you got is this: A badass cop (van Damme) is put in a coma since he is shot in the head. He was bad to many people around him. When he wakes up from his coma he decides to make things right again and avenge his near-killer.

Bad acting, cheesy action scenes and an uninteresting plot in combination with characters you don’t sympathize for or even care the least about makes a shitty movie. I’m sorry Jean-Claude, but Until Death is no good at all. You don’t even get to see much of his fighting skills or his mandatory split-scene that is part of like each and every one of his old movies (!)

Don’t waste your time watching this piece of shit. It’s not even god for being a brain-dead action flick.

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic. I thought he only did parody of music. I was wrong. He has also starred in this satirical movie called UHF. One thing is for sure; Al can’t act for shit. Luckily you have Michael Richards (more known as Kramer for you retards who actually think that Seinfield is a good TV-series) playing a leading role in the movie. He saves the film from hitting rock bottom. You also have Fran Drescher, you knnow that chick who plays “The Nanny” in that old TV-series with the same name.

The plot (from IMDB): George Newman (Yankovic) is a normal man. Problem is, he’s also a daydreamer, who can’t keep hold of a steady job. His uncle decides George will be the perfect man to manage Channel 62, a station which is losing money and viewers fast. George’s imagination is put to good use and he starts thinking up bizarre shows such as “Wheels of Fish” and “Raul’s Wild Kingdom”. The ratings start to soar again, but not everyone is happy.

I know that parodies should not be taken seriously, but this is just a mess of crappyness that I don’t find as amusing as I had hoped it would be. Yeah, you have those scenes where you actually smile a little since you recognize yourself in the movies they’re making fun of. But that’s not enough for me. It doesn’t make me laugh like a monkeybitten rhino. I think this would work as a stoner movie though. Unless you’ve filled your lungs with pot or are shitfaced as ever before, then this just won’t cut it. I’m sorry to say that since I like Yankovic. He should’ve stayed with what he does best though; music.

Imagine a movie that is a combination of Dark City, The Matrix, Final Destination and Buffy The Vampire Slayer and you’re almost there.

I must say that The Deaths Of Ian Stone starts off pretty good. This Ian Stone dude is killed, but wakes up in another life as nothing has happened. Then he is killed again, and again, and again, and again – everytime in a different way and every time he recalls more and more of what has been going on.

There you have your Sixth Sense type of plot, and it is all good. But, then they had of course go into that demon-fetischism and drag it a bit too far for me to really enjoy the movie. Yes, I usually like when there are a lot of supernatural stuff like demons, ghosts, blood, superhuman creatures and stuff like that – but I didn’t expect these elements to be a part of this movie. And I must say I think it would have done well to leave those elements out of it too.

Oh, and another thing – the ending sucked. Way too happy and cheesy. What was starting out as an excellent movie turned out to be a disappointment. Not that it is totally worthless; I didn’t find it so bad I turned it off, but still it didn’t meet up with my expectations. Special-effects were decent and acting were okay, so I won’t complain about those factors.

If you’re prepared for that demon-feast then you should go grab this movie. You may like it then. But, if you as I thought this was a movie of mystery with a slight supernatural touch then you’re in for a surprise and a dissapointment.

Fuck yeah! The Best Movie Of All Time. I promise you. Just got back home from the movie theater and I am truly amazed. Didn’t know much about District-9 before attending the movie, except it was about aliens inhabiting Johannesburg (South Africa for you geographically retarded monkeyfucks out there) and being treated like shit by humans. And now they want to go home. But the humans say they can’t, instead they’re gonna build Auschwitz á la South Africa for them instead. The aliens are like…. fuck that, then we’re gonna beat the crap out of you. (Not really like that, but you get the point. Read the god damn synopsis at IMDB if you want to).

This movie really has everything. Action, gore (lots of gore and of excellent quality too!), kickass weapons of epic awesomeness, wonderful special effects, african weapondealers, a great intruiging plot, revenge, some comedy, superb acting, wonderful actors and like everything else you can ask for.

It also raises questions about morality and what happens when treating a minority like shit. Of course a private company is portrayed as the bad guys here (they enjoy beating down aliens that hasn’t done anything wrong). Many people have tried to make this to some kind of critique against private armies and the private business sector in general. But what they seem to forget is that it is the government that employs the private army and gives them their mission. Governmental suppression is never good; regardless if it is via direct action with their own forces or via a private army. This has nothing to do with private enterprises at all, you sorry mislead donkeydicks.

Not only do you get aliens, super kickass weapons and a lot of gore – you also get mechas! This robot is a mean motherfucker you don’t wanna mess with.

Leaving the politics behind, you’re left with nothing but awesomeness. Real awesomeness. District-9 starts off as a documentary, and it keeps being displayed in that format for the major part of the film.

The aliens are portrayed in an excellent way, making them almost human and creating that compassionate feeling for them and their hard situation they are in on planet Earth. Sharlto Copley is truly brilliant in his role as Wikus Van De Merwe. I hope he gets an oscar for his contribution. And I hope this movie wins a lot of fucking awards. It deserves them.

This dude is fucking brilliant. One of the best actors I’ve seen. And the character he plays is so cool. He’s one of those dudes you hate at first, but then somewhere in the middle of the movie you’ll switch sides onto his side and hopes he open a can of whuppass on every last motherfucker on earth.

I can’t praise this enough. It’s so good, I’m considering to go see it once again. That’s right; I’m considering to actually pay money to see this movie again. It was fan-fucking-tastic, nothing could ever come close to be compared to this masterpiece.

Mothership!

The best thing is that D-9 makes you think and reflect at the same time it serves you a blood-bath of action scenes. It makes you feel something. It raises feelings of compassion, feelings of hate, feelings of so much deserved revenge. And no, it is not american. It is not a Hollywood blockbuster. It is something much better, much more enjoyable than that. Sci-Fi without being nerdy. Now, let me get my hands on the prequel to this movie – Alive In Joburg (2005). Just a 6 minutes long prequel, but I gotta see it.

And a big thank you goes out to Carina who managed to get me free tickets for this one. Thanks, baby!

I think I’ve found my favourite movie of all time. There’s no doubt. You GOT to see District-9. You can’t afford not watching it. It’s not as good as it has been hyped up to be. IT IS BETTER. It is a pure masterpiece.

MASTERPIECE

What a fucking piece of shit. Seriously. I thought that the special effects would save the movie from hitting rock bottom of suckyness. It didn’t.

First of all. If his head (scull) is burning – and his hands too – why the hell doesn’t his t-shirt (made of fucking cotton!) burn too? And why the hell is he still buff if he’s transformed to this skeleton? I don’t get it. But luckily Mr. Flack explained this to me; it’s magic fire he’s surrounded by. Magic fire that doesn’t burn cotton and making him look more buff that he’s supposed to be. Right. Didn’t think of that.

Second of all; he’s saving this fat ugly chicked from being robbed by this lowlife scumbag. What the hell for? He won’t get laid (and I’d be surprised if he wanted to get laid by her too).

So, what do we get here? You all know the story I think. Johnny Blaze has this motorcycle show with his dad. His dad gets sick. Johnny seals a deal with the devil making his dad well again (although killed just moments later). As the devil owns Johnny’s soul, Johnny is set on a mission to fight against the devil’s son since the son of a bitch is hungry for power, threatening to become more powerful than his devil dad.

Then you have this sad love story, some pretty cool motorcycle scenes (although not cool enough to make the movie good), and… yeah, that’s it.

Crappy acting, seriously bad “dialogue”, predictable story as well as ending, blah blah blah, no surprises at all – definitely one of the fucking worst Marvel movies to date (except Fantastic 4. But that movie had at least Jessica Alba. Our main female character in this movie is not nearly as hot as her).

No, you won’t read about any comparison about the comic since I haven’t read the god damn Ghost Rider comic. And I hate all those pretentious bastards always stating stuff like “boohoooohhhhh the movie didn’t stay true to the comic, buew huew, cry cry cry cry whine whine whine whine”. Fuck you. The movie is either good or bad, regardless if it stays true to the comic or not. What I really want to say is that I hate you fanatic Ghost Rider fanboys out there with no sense of taste at all. Yeah, keep those hate mails coming fuckers! I couldn’t care less.

Well, to summarize things there’s just one thing to say about watching this movie: don’t.

This is as cool as it gets. You’ve seen it now. Now go away.

Children Of Dune is a sequel to Dune (1984) (or Dune (2000) if you prefer the mini-TV-series). This is also a mini-series in 3 parts. I must say, that compared to its predecessors this movie adaptation was good. Note that this is not the same as stating it was good. I am just stating that it is better than the prequel movies.

Children of Dune takes place a couple of years after the first Dune. That kickass Muad’Dib dude has disappeared in the desert, presumably dead. His children reigns ‘together’ with their aunt Alia over planet Arrakis. The Fremen aren’t too satisfied with this, since Alia’s rule seems to corrupt the desert, threatening the worms and the production of spice (a.k.a. heroin for Dune-junkies). This, and some urges for revenge for stuff that happened in the previous movies make a lot of conspiracy plans shape up against the Atreides home.

Some things worth noticing:

• The speech Muad’Dib holds in the end (and in the middle of the third part if I remember correctly) is well-known among hardcore people. Dione is famous for sampling stuff from this shit (check out the Kasparov remix too).
• Daniela Amavia, playing Alia Atreides, is one hot piece of ass. I couldn’t find any half-nude pictures of her, but jfgi yourself and you may be more lucky than me.
• Hell of a lot better fights here than in previous movies.
• Not as much complicated intrigues and drama (there are still some of that junk though).

There you go. If you endured the first Dune movie(s) you should grab a hold of this one too. But if you heeded my advice and skipped them, then do not feel any need to see this one either. It won’t make any sense to you.

No, I haven’t played the games. Thus, I won’t compare the movie to the games. If you want to read that kind of shit then piss off somewhere else. Hitman. A work of crappy acting, blazing guns, kickass fist fights as well as sword & gun fights by professional hitmen dressed in suits with decent gore and combat skills.

One thing striking me is that our main character, Mr. “Number 47″ really looks like a dude at work. Like carbon copies of each other.

The plot: Number 47 is a genetically engineered hitman. You know, one of those dudes that kill for money. He is hired by a group called ‘The Organization’ (do you smell that sense of originality? I certainly do). It doesn’t take long before our kickass badass bald motherfucker gets involved in a political conspiracy, chased by both vodka-drinking Russian military as well as pussy-ass Interpol agents. Then he also find this girl that gets caught in-between all action, and she (Olga Kurylenko) is hot. Just see the picture below. You may recognize her from Max Payne if you’ve seen that movie (I haven’t). Or, if you are one of those retards that really do enjoy James Bond movies then you absolutely recognize her from Quantum Of Solace. Which, by the way, is one of the most retarded titles for a movie ever. And yes, she is naked in some scenes this movie. Totally naked.

I’m a bit split about making her part of the movie. She is hot, and you want hot babes in your movies. But she hasn’t really any raison d’être. Because, come on – we’re watching a movie about a cold-blooded killer without any compassion for anything. Then they include this girl trying to make him look a bit more ‘human’ or something. I don’t really like it. But I do enjoy laying my eyes on her. So it is truly a double edged sword or however that proverb goes.

Oh, yeah. There’s this funny scene too where he jumps into a hotel room and there’s two teenagers or something playing a video game… guess what game?

Anyways, it’s time for me to stop ranting about Hitman. You should definitely see this one. It is one of the better action movies I’ve seen. No deep story, no fuss, just straight-on asskicking cold action, blood, murder, chases, a hot babe, and a really enjoyable ending.

Watching Hitman won’t give you an opportunity to have sex with this woman. But it is almost as close as it gets.

John Harrison decided to do a remake of the 1984 crappy movie Dune directed by psychopath David Lynch. So storywise, it is the same. The difference? TV format as a mini-series in 3 parts (making a total of about 1,5 x 3 = 4,5 hours of crap) instead of movie format as the previous one. William Hurt plays one of the leading roles. And, as the previous Dune movie this is just drama, drama, drama, drama. And some more drama. And then some shooting (not well done), and then more drama. Boooooooooring!

This wasn’t good at all. Do not waste your time watching this one. I may, however,  give it some credit though. It is not even nearly as fucked up as David Lynch’s original version from -84. No god damn rantings about things that doesn’t make any fucking sense at all (Lynch never makes sense).

But other than that, this is just Dune from 1984 revisited – and longer. Don’t torture yourself.

Deliverance (Swedish title: Den Sista Färden). You know, that movie with the Banjo Duel and that rape scene where the hillbilly forces the fat dude to squeal like a pig. And you know it is a classic movie that everybody is speaking about. That’s like everything you need to know. So now that I’ve YouTubed you with the most important parts of the movie, I’ve spared you the task to view the whole movie.

I’m not saying it’s not worth watching, since you are served with moral ambiguity (who’s right and who’s wrong? what are the morally correct actions to take when murdering a rapist in self-defense?) – and it must have been one of the better movies from the seventies.

Oh yeah, maybe I should say a couple of words about the plot. Four dudes decides to go canoe in a river. Unfortunately two of them get stopped and raped by inbreed motherfuckers. So the other two dudes kills the rapists. And from there on, they’re on the run from bot the hillbillies and tries their best to get away from the police when (if) they arrive back in the civilized world.

There’s nothing more to it. The banjo scene and the squeal scene. That’s it. So go see this classic.

Written by Ayn Rand, starring Gary Cooper and directed by King Vidor. As I wrote in my review of the book The Fountainhead, I would see if I could get hold of a copy of this movie. I did get a hold of it.

The Fountainhead were actually not that good. It may be because I’m having difficulties handling the kind of awkward acting and sceneries in those movies from the 40’s. It all feels so… strained. Especially the dialogue. It can’t be helped I guess. Luckily Ayn Rand herself participated in the making of the movie, forcing the director to include the core meaning of her theories in the book for the movie adaptation. The struggle of the individual against the collective and the theory of objectivism is displayed very well in the ending of the movie, where our protagonist Howard Roark has his last speech in the courtrooom. Which, by the way is quite funny: Gary Cooper didn’t even understand the meaning of his whole speech (apparently), and Warner Bros wanted to cut it short. Ayn Rand went fucking furious and threatened to abandon the whole movie if they didn’t include the whole speech intact. Warner Bros pooped in their pants and agreed to Rand’s demands. Truly amazing, and much like the main protagonist in the story too; Howard Roark never compromises anything in his work. Never.

But besides that there isn’t much to get from the movie. I rather suggest you read the book instead. This was not really worth watching. I’m just glad it was made, spreading the ideas of Ayn Rand to the world in a wide manner, beating down those who think that the collective is superior to the individual. Fuck you.

Van Wilder is one of those college-comedy movies. You know, easy to watch, involves incredibly hot babes and a lot of embarassing moments often in a sexual context. Add some racial comedy and booze and fraternities and you’re there.

Ryan Reynolds and Kal Penn are playing the main characters, and they do an excellent job as always.

Plot summary (from IMDB): To Van Wilder, college doesn’t get you ready for life, it is life. So when his father puts a stop to his cash flow, 7 years into his time at college, it looks like the party might finally be over for Van. Down, but not out, Van, and his team devise a way to make money from partying. However that soon come to the attention of the college magazine, who send out sexy college reporter, Gwen to do a feature on the infamous Van Wilder, Party Liaison for the graduation front page. But when things start to go wrong for Van, he realizes that this time he may need to do something really crazy… GRADUATE!

I enjoyed the movie. Carina enjoyed the movie. It was something both I (as a true hardcore horror-enthusiast with no patience for drama-crap) and she (as a girl. Girls don’t like kickass movies in most cases. They just want lots of love and that junk) could enjoy.

When watching Van Wilder you get to see a lot of hot girls. And it’s quite funny. Not hilariously funny; rather “making-you-laugh-a-couple-of-times-but-mostly-making-you-smile-a-lot” funny. So see this one and have a look at the sequel too. Remember, as the man Wilder says:

“You shouldn’t take life to seriously. You’ll never get out alive.”

S. Darko is a sort of sequel (or spin-off) to Donnie Darko. This time we get to follow Donnie’s little sister Samantha as she has grown up and is now on the run (or something) together with her friend Corey. The car they drive breaks down and they get stuck in this little town somewhere in America.

Strange things start to happen, just as in Donnie Darko. Actually, S. Darko is like almost exactly as Donnie Darko except there are other characters. And I like the setting in S. Darko more than in Donnie Darko. You see, the environment, the dialogue, the subtle soundtrack and the weirdness all smells Silent Hill long way. No, you don’t have any creepy monsters or rust all over the place. But the characters are all weird in some kind of “Silent Hill”-ish way. Watch in and you’ll see.

Yes, both Daveigh Chase and Briana Evigan (Sam & Corey) are quite hot. No, you don’t get to see them naked. No, there’s no sex. Yes, there is blood. No, there are no zombies. Yes, you get mindfuck if you think about the time travelling stuff too much. Don’t do that. Just watch S. Darko and enjoy the weird setting, the unbelievable time travelling and the kickass dialogue.

I had my hopes down low for this one. I was thinking this would turn out like sequels almos always do – they suck. But S. Darko didn’t suck. In fact, I’m not sure which of the Darko movies I liked the most.

I’d definitely say this is worth watching, especially if you’ve seen the prequel.

I only watched this movie since I realized that the main character Snake from the kickass Hideo Kojima game series Metal Gear Solid is based (both partly as character  as well as his name) on the main dude from Escape From New York – namely Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell).

In the future, the crime level has risen by like 400% or something in the united states. Therefore they have made the whole Manhattan island to a prison (why Manhattan and not like… the Nevada desert or something? Beats the hell out of me…). Air Force One with the president on board is hijacked and crashes in this prison. At the same time, Snake is captured for some crime he’s committed and gets an opportunity; to save the president from the prison and bringing him out alive, or be sentenced to the prison for the rest of his life (or sumthin’). And there you have it. Kurt Russell being a badass with an eye-patch (all people with eye-patches are by definition badass) and trying to save the president before he gets whacked.

Our main antagonist is a black dude called The Duke. He was rumoured to be like all kickass and everything, but I couldn’t help laughing when they introduced him. Table lamps mounted on cars? What the hell is that all about? Niggah, please…

So, you have this kind of Fallout or Mad Max setting with Mr. Kurt trying to be as much of a mean motherfucker as possible (which fails unless you have a sense of humour) – but it still rules. This is because you actually have that badass attitude all over the place, even though the acting is really bad, the costumes are horrible, the weapons and technology look like shit and… well, you get the pictures. It’s kind of cool to see that the two World Trade Center buildings were still standing tall there in the middle of the city.

With regard to the crappy acting, the ultra-macho attitude and that no-mercy-eye-patch-stuff you have a hell of a good B-action movie here just waiting for you. And who doesn’t hate those 80’s haircuts? They’re so god damn fugly you have to see them.

Go see Escape From New York. Now.

Eye-patch <==> Badass.
Always.

Donnie Darko. A very, very strange but entertaining movie. Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhaal) is a fucked-up teenager who manages to evade a giant jet-engine crashing in his bedroom, because he was following a giant bunnt leading him outside of his house. The bunny is called Frank. Frank tells Donnie that the world will end in 28 days (30th of October to be precise – the same day my birthday is). As the end of the world draws near, things get more strange. A series of events starts to unfold which may or may not be a product of Donnie’s mental illness.

Donnie Darko is one of those movies you have heard everybody speak about but never understood what the hell all the fuzz is about. Thus, you have to see this one no matter what you may think about it. It is compulsory, god damn it. Besides, MAggie Gyllenhaal plays the role of Donnie’s sister and she’s quite hot.

You could almost guess that David Lynch is the dude behind the wheels on this one. He’s not. But it is just as crazy as his movies. It is so much to see, read, hear and understand to get a hold of the whole picture – especially when everything gets fucked up in the ending. Some people go on and on about symoblism. I hate those people. There are no symbolism or anything like that. It’s just an insane teenager and a kickass ugly giant rabbit and some time travelling stuff.

And dude, it sure is captivating. I liked the whole movie. The whole thing about Donnie being insane (or perhaps it is the world around him that is insane?), the crazy ending and the rabbit.

Kickass. I love it.

First I was afraid of clowns after watching Stephen King’s ‘IT’. Now I fucking hate rabbits with creepy teeth.

Also known as “Days Of Glory“. World War II. Arabic dudes joining the french army to fight the nazis (and escape the povertry back home). They fight and they piss around in the deserts when they piece by piece find out that the french dudes are receiving a lot of more benefits than they as arabic foreign soldiers.

Not a very entertaining movie I must say. This is not an action movie or a kickass french version of Saving Private Ryan. This is pure boring drama. And they speak french! Fucking annoying language that is. I like the parts where they speak arabic since you’re freed from those bjiiiuuu chiiuuu pjeeeaauuööö or whatever the shit they’re saying in french.

Yes, you get involved and attached to the characters. Yes, you have your fair share of mourning and grief. No, you don’t get your deserved deal of gore (well, except for some scenes though where you have shooting – but still no great deal of gore that I wanted).

As expected from the french this is really just god damn boring and not worth seeing, unless you’re in that sad drama-wanker-mood. Which I like… never am.

This was far too depressing. Now, give me some porn. On the dirr.

Dark City is a classic movie you all probably already have seen. I had seen it too, like too long ago to remember anything from it. So I watched it again the other night.

It starts with our protagonist John Murdoch waking up in a bath and realizing he has lost his memories. Supposedly, it seems like he’s left his wife and murdered a lot of hookers. Therefore he’s on the run from the police. But that’s just the beginning. His worst trouble is the Strangers, some kind of fucked up dudes in strane suites (see picture below) who seem to manipulate just about everything in the city, and wants Mr. Murdoch because he has got some extraordinary mental powers. John, of course, decides to find out what’s happening in the city; why is it always night? And why can nobody tell him a way out of the city?

Dark City gives you that film noir feeling. It’s dark, you have that oldschool suites and buildings and everything, murder, femme fatale (played by Jennifer Connelly. Which by the way is kinda hot. Except she’s got these huge fucking eyebrows you’d think she’s a breed between Jessica Alba and Chewbacca).

Jennifer Connelly. That’s a fine piece of ass alright. Just keep those eyebrows a little less hairy please, and then you have a high-scorer.

You don’t have to be especially nerdy to appreciate Dark City. And the sci-fi or paranormal elements that are included does not scare away you pussies who doesn’t like “unrealistic stuff”. It’s no large portions of these things, although the whole story is based on just that.

The Strangers.

There are a lot of things in Dark City that resembles The Matrix. It would take me all day listing them all, but even the plot is very “Matrix-ish”. Note that Dark City pre-dated The Matrix, so if some director stole from another, then it is Matrix that stole from Dark City. Or perhaps I should say “was inspired by”.

Kiefer Sutherland is excellent as the Doctor. He reminds me a little about the rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. You should also note that the main character, John Murdoch, shares the name (and the quest) of a Scottish liberal in the 1870s and 1880s. The Scottish Murdoch led a major campaign for Scottish farmers to own their own land. Liberals kicks ass, and so does Murdoch in this movie.

This review is really unnecessary, since you all already love it. But if you haven’t seen it you got to. It’s a classic not worth missing. Go fetch, m’fucka!

This is one of the most fucked up movies I’ve ever seen. Crank: High Voltage takes off where the first movie (Crank) started. As you know from the previous Crank movie, our hero Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) falls hard to the ground from a helicopter and dies. Supposedly dies, anyways. The second movie starts off here. Some dudes collect the corpse and manages to save him somehow. They extract his heart and replaces it with some kind of artificial battery-driven heart instead. When they decide to even cut his dick and balls off, he regains his consciousness and starts a fight (of course), whereafter he escapes from these doctors and gangsters. Then the rest of the movie is about Chev trying to get his heart back and open a can of whuppass on the motherfuckers who stole it from him.

Anyways. It turns out that the artificial heart he’s now having inside his body requires high voltage charges to him to keep running. Thus, Chelios must electrify himself at certain intervals to make his heart not stop.

You could see that Chev isn’t happy that they’re stealing his heart.

So far so good. As a true Crank movie, there is action non-stop, from the start to the end. You aren’t allowed to have even a short breather at any time. This time they fuck it up with start-and-stop motion, weird camera angels, fast cuts and change of scenes, and even some weird interludes where we get to see Chev participating in a talk show together with his mom.

As the movie proceeds it gets more and more fucked up. Strange characters, strange stuff happening (e.g. a Godzilla fight in a power plant…. watch the movie and you’ll see for yourself. It is truly fucked up).

The fact that the movie is soooo fast and strange and incoherent could be bad as well as good. I felt like I was drunk and watching a movie where you have to think to follow the plot. I wasn’t drunk. You get a bit confused and certainly nauseous if you’re watching it on big screen. But, at the same time it is just so incredibly crazy and strange you can’t hold yourself for laughing.

Tight!

Don’t expect a serious action movie. Expect the most fucking crazyass action scenes and fights you’ve ever seen – and then you’re set and ready to get cranked (haha!). And, there is a hardstyle track in the movie: Dickheadz – Suck My D…!. Oh, and another thing – you have real pornstars in the movie too: Ron Jeremy and Peter North for example.

With the correct kind of expectations, this movie is a winner. And, as always, it is Statham playing the main role – it can’t fail.

Efren Ramirez from the first movie (also known from Napoleon Dynamite) reappears in this follow-up, as the brother of the character that died in the previous movie.

Don’t mess with the Chelios.

INPYCAL is, as you may already know, a comedy. A gay comedy. A comedy that takes advantage of the fact that it is funny to see straight guys acting gay. Chuck is played by Adam Sandler and Larry is played by Kevin James.

Kevin and Larry are to firefighters who are really close to eachother. Larry has two children and is getting worried what will happen to all his belongings if he dies in his line of duty. So he decides to make his children his heirs since his wife died several years ago. Unfortunately, he isn’t allowed to do that because of some strange american law. The only way he can pass his belongings and fortune to his children is to marry someone who in turn will give the money to the children. Who would be better to help him with this than his co-worker Chuck, who he trusts with his whole heart?

So Chuck and Larry tries to deceive the government by staging a false gay marriage, and the rest of the movie just goes on about them two trying to hold up the facade.

The movie is quite funny sometimes. It feels a bit exaggerated at some times when the gay jokes just is…errhmm…. too gay. But all in all it is a good comedy. Not one of the best I’ve seen, but certainly decent enough to be worth watching. Also note that Jessica Biel is in this movie. She’s hot. There’s also a lot of other hot ladies, e.g. Tila ‘Tequila’ Nguyen and Chandra West. Just see the picture below. If that doesn’t convince you to watch it, then what the hell will?

Delta Farce is a comedy, much like Postal.We get to follow three southern guys having a weekend out at an old abandoned military base. But, since things are getting hot in Iraq for the US Army, they dispatch one mean motherfucker to that base to recruit more soldiers. As things happen, these three mildly retarded southern guys has no choice but to join the army. So they start to train at boot camp, when one day they finally get their orders that they’re going to Fallujah to fight.

Said and done, on the flight to Fallujah they accidentally and unknowingly get dropped in Mexico instead. With these fucktards thinking they are in Iraq and not Mexico, our adventure begins.

We see Larry The Cable Guy as Larry, the somewhat diffused southern american ‘patriot’ – who’ve been cheated on by his girlfriend which in turn is pregnant with another man’s child. The famous stand-up comedian Lisa Lampanelli plays the bitchy wife of another soldier. The best of all though is DJ Qualls, playing the mildly retarded (but violent) Everett – and Danny Trejo, playing the main villain of the movie; Carlos Santana (!). You might also note that Jeff Dunham plays a minor part in this movie – as a stand-up comedian here too.

Delta Farce has its ups and downs. At first it is truly hilarious, but then the comedy seems to get a bit mundane. You smile, but you don’t laugh. But just as you start to lose hope, something funny is happening and you break out in a small laughter. This goes on for the whole movie, making it not great but not bad either. It has its own kind of charm with these lost soldiers not really knowing what the hell they are doing.

You should definitely give this a chance if you want something ‘easy’ to watch. As I wrote; not great, but not bad either.

No kidding, this is really an Epic Movie. I don’t care what you pretentious motherfucking haters out there really think. You’re all getting worked up and saying bullshit like ‘boo-hooo, the movie sucked, it had no depth, it was silly, the humour may suite 12-year-olds but not us grown-ups yadi yadi yadi yadi…’

Well, I just got one thing to say:

FUCK YOU!

Where did your fucking sense of humour go? Really? How can you NOT find this movie funny? I haven’t even seen all of the movies they’re making fun of, but still I laugh my ass off. As when Kal Penn is asked to go to White Castle and seems to be remembering he’s been there before. Or the introduction of Captain Jack Swallows and his exaggerated gestures, and like… everything else.

I thought it would be dumb. I thought that since there are so many haters out there (yeah, I’m talking to YOU you frigid bitch) that don’t allow themselves to have a laugh. Why must everything be so serious, god damn it! Relax and enjoy the fucking comedy. Y’see, this is making me fucking furious just thinking about how people diss this movie when it really is great.

So, like… Epic Movie’s main story is that of Narnia (Gnarnia, haha!), and then a bunch of Willy And The Chocolate Factory, Pirates Of The Carribean, Nacho Libre, Borat, Harry Potter, Superman, The Da Vinci Code, X-Men, and a bunch of other movies I can’t remember.

Fucking hilarious, just see the fucking movie and have a really good laugh for once in your miserable lifetime. And I just wrote fuck in various forms 8 times in this review.

Cloverfield is one of the best action/horror movies I’ve seen this far. It has been described as a crossing between Blair Witch Project and Godzilla – a description that fits pretty well.

It starts out in New York, with a dude and his girlfriend. They are arranging a farewell-party to the dude’s brother (which is going away to Japan for some business stuff). As they arrange stuff for the farewell-party they also film a lot of stuff around them – almost always carrying around that handheld camera and recording stuff.

Flash forward to the party. The dude hands over the camera to one of his friends, which then become the camera man for the rest of the movie. That is, everything we see is from this guy’s perspective. At first he’s kinda annoying, but gets a bit funny towards the end of the movie.

The big deal about the film is that New York gets attacked by… something. Almost half of the movie passes until you get to see what really is attacking the town. I’ve deliberately chosen to not post any pictures in this review since I think it would take away a lot of the awesomeness if you haven’t seen it before. But please follow this link if you want to see the stills I’ve collected from the movie (and some other sketches ‘n stuff).

Yes, there is a lot of gore and “uncomfortable” scenes. There are these small… “things” that attack the people panicing in the streets. They make a sound that makes your hair on your arms rise. My thoughts wanders immediately towards Resistance – Fall of Man (or whatever that PS3 game was called). And I must say, compared to Godzilla, Cloverfield does really kick some serious ass. I know you will love this movie, so if you haven’t seen it already then what are you waiting for? I give this piece of golden stuff the highest ranking there is. See it!

And if you do watch this movie (you shall) – then keep an eye out for the ending scene, when the camera is filming the ocean. Keep your concentration to the right side of the screen. You will see something… extraordinary.

Enjoy!

Dead Silence is one of the better horror movies I’ve seen. I got the inspiration to watch this movie after hearing Headbanger – Never Ever Scream. That track cites the poem that goes throughout the movie;

“Beware the stare of Mary Shaw. She had no children only dolls. And if you see her in your dreams, do not ever, ever scream.”

That pretty much summarizes the movie too. A dude gets his wife murdered after someone (unknown person) has sent him a doll to his apartment. Of course he’s immediately suspected of the murder, but the police decides to let him free for now. With his newly gained freedom he decides to head back to his father and old home town, where there supposedly was a legend about a woman named Mary Shaw – and her dolls. You get to know the story about this Mary Shaw and the dude suspects that it is someone using her to get to him.

The thing is, if Mary Shaw sets after you, you will die if you scream. Everytime someone screams the rips his/her tongue out and kill the person in question. Not a nice lady, and scary as hell is she too. Look at the picture below.

Mary Shaw’s body- Dead on the floor, scary as a motherfucker!

Dead Silence is directed by James Wan – the same dude that directed the Saw movies. Only that fact would hold as an argument why this movie is great. The Saw movies are great, so why wouldn’t this also be fabulous? And indeed it is. Even some of the cast is re-used. Donnie Wahlberg acts as a cop here too.

The fact that it is dolls that are a major part of the movie makes is even more scary. Dolls are always scary. You know it. Dolls and clowns are among the most scary stuff ever invented. This movie even has a clown-doll. That is double scary. See below.

Clown-doll – that motherfucker is scary as hell. I hate him. He even has an evil look in his face!

The gore-scenes are not that spectacular, but that doesn’t really bother me. Everything else in the movie is simply wonderful and amazing. The scenery, the music, the actors, that old-fashioned style of buildings and everything made me go crazy – of horror, as it should be in a horror movie. You’re not even guaranteed a happy ending with this film.

You have to see this one if you haven’t already. It’s a golden piece you can’t afford to miss.

On Thursday the previous week, the new Batman movie had premiere here in town. I went there with Pelle and Jonte (thanks for inviting me, bro!) and enjoyed like…3 hours of kickass action. Unfortunately the theater were hot like a motherfucker, so I didn’t really enjoy the last part of the movie as I would have if I had not sweated my ass off.

Anyways. This movie is by far the best one in the Batman universe. I can’t really recall all the details from those old ones, but I’m sure I liked this one more than any other Batman movie. Two reasons are the main ones for my praise of this movie:

1. It is dark. Really dark. Good people die and Batman shows more anger than in previous movies. I like this a lot.

2. The Joker. Heath Ledger (rest in peace) makes a great effort in characterising the main nemesis of Batman. I’ve never seen anyone portrait a bad guy as good as mr Ledger is doing in this movie. It’s almost like he is the main character of the movie – not Batman.

Damn he’s an ugly son of a bitch. But a great villain!

More than those two points above, the movie is filled with celebrities – celebrities that are great actors too; Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman and Christian Bale (of course). The action scenes are just great. Some of my friends have complained that there are too much action. How the hell can there be “too much” action in a Batman movie? There is no such thing as too much action. Ever. EVER!

Batman has also always circulated around his gear. You won’t be dissapointed this time either with all the fancy stuff he is wearing / using / driving / shooting etc. Just look at his bike in the picture below.

Batmandidos taking over the city.

Furthermore you will also see the birth of a new supervillain in the DC universe towards the end of the movie (I won’t spoil who). If you’re a Batman freak you have to see this movie. Of course, if that would be the case then you’ve already seen it when reading this.

But if Batman is not your favourite superhero (as in my case) – or you’re not into superhero mumbo jumbo at all – go watch this superb movie anyways. The storyline, the darkness, the action, the car chases – it will surely blow you away. You should watch this in a theater though. Watching it at home on your 22″ screen won’t give you the same experience. I promise.

The Dark Knight is surely one of the best movies out there now. For real. What are you waiting for? Go see it now!

A.k.a Live Free Or Die Hard (kinda tacky name for a movie, isn’t it…?). I saw this movie when I was at Andree’s place the other day; drinking beer, eating pizza and later having a night out at Palace.

This time around Bruce Willis gets himself and his daughter into trouble, when he’s on a routine mission trying to transport some computer geek which CIA values most highly as a skilled hacker. There are people wanting him (and many other hackers dead). Why? Beacuse they are themselves some kind of information security experts and tries to use their expertise to hijack all TV-stations and access one hell of a money reserve.

Or something like that.

Anyways, who gives a fuck really? We get to see Bruce Willis kick ass once again – all while he’s delivering onelines after oneliners (you love them, you know it!).

So what is there to say about this sucker? Sequels has a tendency to really suck. But this sequel was really good. I’ll admit that. It has our regular top-notch overkill actionscenes, two hot babes playing the lead female roles: Maggie Q who plays the Asian kickass badgirl (and also had the role as Maggie in “Balls Of Fury“. Speaking of balls of Fury, I’d let her play with my balls any day, any time!). The other lead female role is played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead (she’s really hot too).

And there you go. What more do you want? Bruce Willis even skates on a hovering jet fighter. How cool isn’t that? There’s this feeling of revenge throughout the movie too. Revenge always works when it comes to films – and so even here. What’s more is that Die Hard 4.0 is funny too.

You couldn’t ask for more. Go have a look at it if you haven’t already.