2009 is almost over and soon we’re into 2010. And I am already 25 years old. Jesus, that’s fucking old! Anyways, I think tonight’s gonna be a blast, meeting old friends and celebrating the new year. I’m planning for coma tomorrow. Un-shitfaced is not an option.

Happy New Year, you wild motherfuckers!

Ghost Image starts out much like Cloverfield. A party in a flat, lots of people, and one of the hosts (a guy with his girlfriend) is walking around filming and interviewing everybody. The party ends, the girlfriend wakes up the next morning with a note from her dude saying he borrowed her car. Unfortunately it turns out that someone has cut the brake wires and he’s killed in a car accident. The girlfriend finds solace in watching video of him taken the night before he died. When he starts to communicate with her through that video, she must decide if he has broken through the barrier between this world and the next, or has she slipped off into madness.

Know that this is a low budget production. Even so, I found the movie quite fascinating. It has its twists and turns which aren’t too obvious at all times. It’s like a crime drama with a supernatural touch. Don’t expect any real ‘ghosts’ or stuff like that, but it definitely has that kind of eerie feeling about it. Yes, there are some goofs, there are some things that isn’t perfect – but it doesn’t have to be when everything else about it is well done.

Definitely worth a watch.

Also known as Quel maledetto treno blindato, Bastardi senza gloria, Counterfeit Commandos, Deadly Mission, G.I. Bro, Hell’s Heroes, The Dirty Bastard and a lot more localized versions.

Anyways, I decided to watch this movie since it shares (almost) the same name as Quentin Tarantino’s recent blockbuster kickass übergreat movie Inglorious Basterds. The two movies does share some common elements (like renegade soldiers during the second world war), but not much else. The characters aren’t the same, the plot isn’t the same, nothing is really the same. What more, where Tarantino’s movie is really really great beyond all your possible expectations, this 1978 movie is not.

A group of American soldiers are in the process of being shipped off to military prison for a variety of infractions, ranging from desertion to murder. While they’re being transported, a German artillery attack hits the convoy, killing the MPs and enabling four of the prisoners to escape. The group decides their best bet is to head to neutral Switzerland where they can avoid the fighting and prison. As they make their way to what they think will be freedom, they end up volunteering for a commando mission to steal a V2 warhead for the French Underground. Somehow, the team must sneak into the most heavily guarded base in German territory, steal the Nazi’s most precious military hardware, and bring it back to the allies without getting arrested again by their own side.

If you consider that Inglorious Bastards was made over 30 years ago, you may suggest it actually is good. But I don’t take these factors into account. Watching this old movie so many years later, one can clearly see it hasn’t aged with dignity. Sound effects, acting performances (like the one from the Swedish main actor Bo Svenson), level of gore and character development are not satisfactory. I’m sorry but it isn’t. I wanted to like this movie, but I couldn’t.

There are actually just two good things I noted: 1) Naked ladies. There are some of that in some scenes. 2) All various nationalities speak their respective language. Germans speak german, americans speak english, french speak french and so on.

Not really recommended.

The place is Mars. The year is like… sometime in the future. Human kind is on this planet and there’s a colony there where bitches are running the place – some kind of matriarchy or whatever it is called. And there’s a shitload of lesbians too! No wonder it looks like shit and everything goes to hell. But at least there are women which always are nice to look at – if you just push the mute button on their asses, that is. A quiet woman is a good woman, I’ve learned.

Anyways. A group of some girls and some newcomers and Jason Statham are set out to bring back an alledgedly serious deadly criminal (Ice Cube). However, as they arrive to the prison where he’s located, there seem not to be anybody at all there, and soon enough they discover that something terrible has happened. And later on they are attacked by people who have been possessed by some kind of martian ghost. Or something like that.

The whole movie is then built upon flashbacks, where the female police officer has to tell the court what happened out there.

Some notes I made when watching Ghosts of Mars:

• Martian (human) police officers wear leather robes for gear. But what the fuck for?
• By wearing some ugly ass swimming glasses you can breathe on Mars.
• Darwin award goes to the guy who chops his thumb off trying to show off for a girl. Stupid fuck, serves him right.
• Shootouts and fights are much more cool if you have distorted metal riffs playing in the background. True story. (KICKASS!)

Ghosts of Mars was actually entertaining, albeit a bit… umm… what should I say… predictable and not-so-scary-as-I-think-John-Carpenter-intended. It was funny at some times too. Ending was really too corny, which degrades the score for this movie a whole lot.

It has a long way from being one of my favourite movies, but I didn’t really dislike it either. Way better than much other bullshit I’ve been watching. I wouldn’t suggest Ghosts of Mars to be your first-choice Sci-Fi movie though. You’re better of with Aliens or something like that.

In Collateral, a cab driver (Max, played by Jamie Foxx) finds himself the hostage of an engaging contract killer (Tom Cruise as Vincent) as he makes his rounds from hit to hit during one night in LA. He must find a way to save both himself and one last victim. I decided to see this movie because Jason Statham starred in this one. But you only get to see him in the beginning of the movie. Nothing more. He is even only credited as “Airport man”. So now when you know that, you decide if it is worth watching or not.

Actually there’s just one thing that bothers me. Why do they have to insist on doing that battery outage (or bad cell coverage) shit with the cell phones? It gets so fucking tiresome and predictable. Please. Can’t you be a bit more original?

Two good things with this movie though. First: Our main protagonist Max the Cab Driver is a believable character, with all the feats (or rather lack of feats) you’d expect from such a guy. Second: The antagonist that Cruise plays, Vincent, has a kickass name. If I ever get a son, his name will be Vincent. I don’t know why but it’s a damn cool name.

Anyways. Good entertainment, good movie.

Another unbelievable boring, one-sided documentary which interviews “UFO Researches” (I mean, how much credibility has these guys? Really?)

The real problem isn’t though that the  ‘documentary‘ is biased as hell. The real problem is that it is boring. Just a lot of interviews, a lousy narrator and just… nothing interesting. The subject may be tickling your curiosity, but I bet you a lot that there are way better (real) documentaries out there on the subject.

Bee Movie, a movie meant for kids but I watched it anyways. Don’t ask me why. Anyways, unfortunately I got hold of the Swedish voiced-over version. That kinda sucked.

Story: Barry B. Benson, a bee who has just graduated from college (yes, college – bees apparently go to college), is disillusioned at his lone career choice: making honey. On a special trip outside the hive, Barry’s life is saved by Vanessa, a florist in New York City. As their relationship blossoms, he discovers humans actually eat honey, and subsequently decides to sue all humans. Thus, fucking up the nature of things and every possible shit starts to hit the fan. Now it’s time for Barry the Bastard Bee to put things right. Just like D-Passion.

Bee Movie is very seldom funny, it has some golden moments. Apparently the movie is partially written by Jerry Seinfeld, and that would explain a lot – since the Seinfeld TV series is also mostly boring but has some golden moments which actually makes me smile. I’m sorry Seinfeld, but you’re not as funny as all my friends hype you up to be.

I also thought it had like this good political message; the importance of proprietary rights – but then it all ends up in some altruistic bullshit in the end anyways. So even that, my last hope of salvation for this movie, were spoiled.

No, Bee Movie isn’t particularly clever or good. But it wasn’t a total waste either. There are better animated motion pictures out there though. Like Afro Samurai. Give that a try instead.

A hell of a long movie (2 hours and like 40 minutes or something) but at the same time a drama that I actually enjoyed (!). Yes, I know you didn’t think I’d ever write that. But I did.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is about growing young and how much that would suck in the end. IMDB summarizes the plot like this:

As she lay dying in a hospital bed on the eve of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans, an elderly woman asks her daughter Caroline to read from a diary left to her by a man named Benjamin. Born on the same day World War I ended, Benjamin Button’s mother died giving birth to him. As a newborn, he was old and wrinkled and his horrified father Thomas Button leaves him on the doorstep of an old folk’s home. Benjamin fits in well for, despite his young age, he looked as old as most of the residents. Benjamin soon realizes that he is growing younger, not older however. Early on, he meets the love of his life, Daisy, a beautiful red-haired, green-eyed child who grows into a beautiful woman while Benjamin grows into a handsome young man. Their lives take many different turns and making a life together is long in coming. It also is of limited duration given their ultimately different fates.

All actors make an excellent effort, and you have a bit of comedy, a bit of tragedy, a bit of action (really well-made shoot-out scene at sea), and a lot of original characters you will remember. The present time story and the flashback scenes from the past are intertwined perfectly. It’s just great. Carina was really moved by the deep story, and I wasn’t totally unaffected either.

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button is a fascinating, beautiful story that just is a bit too long. But if you’re bringing a girl to your home, then this may be it. Really recommended.

Boring documentary which in fact only concludes that there may be several years until we learn what really has been going on in that military site in the American desert. So what you have is like 45 minutes of speculations and amateur photographers showing off their incomprehensible pictures of mostly nothing. Nothing substantial to learn, although I must give credit for not mentioning anything about aliens at all. This must be like the only documentary about Area 51 that does not mention space men.

Anyways. Boring piece of shit.

(In Swedish).

När jag beställde ett par böcker (dels till mig själv, dels till julklappar till andra) så fick jag med denna bok gratis från Adlibris.

Fred! är en 175 sidor lättläst bok sprängfylld med historiska bilder och kortfattade stycken citerade från anti-våldpropagerande individer och organisationer. Boken tar inte mer än en timme eller något att läsa igenom, och antivålds-budskapet är glasklart. En del texter berör mer än andra och lämnar en eftertänksam.

Det är inga nyheter, det är inga nya fakta som presenteras eller något sådant – det är endast ett utrop mot våldet i samhället; allt från krig till gatuslagsmål i kvarteret.

Jag kan bara hoppas att den kommer ha någon effekt.

Inside The Bermuda Triangle is a documentary which explores some of the mysteries of the Bermuda Triangle. The synopsis states:

Explore the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle. Personal accounts, detailed history, scientific explanations and examination of myths bring viewers further into the Bermuda Triangle than anyone has ever gone before. Hear from the few who have survived the bizarre happenings in this mysterious place, and learn about the lives and the last moments of those that have passed into what many believe to be another dimension. Join in the journey to find the answers behind one of the greatest mysteries of our earth. Premiered on Discovery Channel, USA.

It’s really not that interesting as I thought it would be. Too many “wannabe-scientists” who think they have some kind of credibility spouting their theses all over the place. The fact that I find the subject of the Bermuda Triangle fascinating did not really help in liking this one. I wasn’t much wiser afterwards.

You wouldn’t know how to pour piss from a boot even if the instructions were written on the heel.

You couldn’t hit water even if you fell out of a fucking boat.

Eat that, bitches! And Merry Christmas!

The Nightmare Before Christmas is a stop-motion animated musical masterpiece by Tim Burton, which I’m certain most of you already are familiar with. Jack Skellington and all that stuff, you know. Long time ago I saw it last.

Anyways. Jack Skellington, the pumpkin king of Halloween Town, is bored with doing the same thing every year for Halloween. One day he stumbles into Christmas Town, and is so taken with the idea of Christmas that he tries to get the resident bats, ghouls, and goblins of Halloween town to help him put on Christmas instead of Halloween — but alas, they can’t get it quite right.

The movie is short (about 1 hour and 15 minutes), but that’s perfectly enough. I just love the absurd Burton estethics, and the story is beautifully told through songs and dances. The stop-motion-technique is performed well, too.

A true christmas classic you can’t catch too many times. Burton, I fucking love ya.

Detective Quentin Conners (Jason Statham) is a cop who has been suspended since he allegedly got a hostage killed in a situation on a bridge a couple of years ago. Now some bitch ass dude who’s kalling himself Lorenz (Wesley Snipes) has taken like 40 people hostage in an attempted bank robbery. And the only one Lorenz wants to speak with is Conners. So he’s put back on duty. It’s Wesley vs. Statham. It’s badass.

Chaos is a crime-action-movie where the plot thickens as you go further into the movie. It is actually a brilliant action movie which demands something from your intellectual capacity – all twists and turns around the chaos theory, things not being as they seem to be (like in the usual suspects) and stuff like that. You think you got it all figured out, but then it hits you straight in the face telling you not.

Chaos is also the first movie where I see a dude taking cover, hitting a motorcycle (not really in a graceful way), tells the owner he needs his bike, receives the keys from the owner, takes on the helmet and then pursues the suspect. What do you say about that, really?

As you also may know Ryan Phillippe starrs as Conners sidekick detective Shane Dekker. He does a really good acting performance – sometimes Dekker is even more badass than our main british dude himself.

I like the fact that you have to think to follow the plot. It should be more of that in action movies. Good one, this Chaos flick.

Cellular (a.k.a Final Call) is a movie where we see Jason Statham play the bad guy for once. A young dude receives an emergency phone call on his cell phone from an older woman who says she has been kidnapped. While trying to figure out if this is for real or not, things get worse as the kidnappers also targets her child and husband. It turns out that everything isn’t as it first seems to be (but don’t expect any particular plot twists though). The whole movie circles around the kidnapped woman and the young man trying to keep the cell phone call alive while he’s trying to save her.

Statham is one of the kidnappers, and that’s actually the only thing that is particularly interesting about the movie. Since he’s always playing the good guy as far as I can remember, it’s kind of weird to see him in this role.

But other than that you don’t get much more value than from your any other Hollywood action movie – some car chases, a couple of shoot-outs, a bit screaming and crying and fighting and chasing and… yeah, you get the point.

Nothing special, but not worse than anything else either. Mediocre.

Well, the IMDB users (except me) for sure doesn’t like I Know Who Killed Me. But since when did I care what other people think? Since let me se… never? Yeah that’s right. Never.

Plot: An idyllic small town is rocked when Aubrey Fleming, a bright and promising young woman, is abducted and tortured by a sadistic serial killer. When she manages to escape, the traumatized girl who regains consciousness in the hospital insists that she is not who they think she is and that the real Aubrey Fleming is still in mortal danger.

Yes, Lindsay Lohan plays the main role in this movie. No, you don’t get to see her nude (although she does some dancing on the stage at a strip club). But Lohan is not the reason I liked this one.

The fucktards who put this movie down thinks it is stupid. Let me tell you one thing. The one being stupid here is you, fuckface. Why can’t you douchebags just enjoy a good story when you see it? Whining ass bitches. I hate you.

I’m not saying that this is the best piece of art that I’ve seen, but it is way better than the lousy rating it got at IMDB. How the plot evolves and twists around all that stigmata-stuff, the atmospheric music, the few actually brilliant scenes that do exist makes this something worth seeing.

Lord Of War is the story of weapons dealer Yuri Orlov. All the way from his uprise. The movie starts with a neat introduction were we get to follow a bullet from its birth with the initial steps in production until the end where it gets fired and kills a kid. That’s perhaps the best part of the movie. Yes, I am serious.

Basically what we get is Yuri (Nicolas Cage) storytelling about his life as a weapons dealer. A tragic, sometimes funny and seldom interesting story.

You see, this is the problem with the movie. It is too slow. Nothing ever happens. I thought it would just be in the beginning. That’s not the case. It’s straight out boring until the end.

Even though it makes you think, reflect, feel bad about all wars and manslaughter going on in the world and yada-yada-yada; it is still boring. If you’re looking for adrenaline rushes then this is not the right movie.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention – once again it is the girl in the movie that betrays her husband, thus bringing a (temporary) end to our Lord of War.

A 9 year old movie (based on an even older tale) which probably most of you have already seen. Like nine times.

I haven’t. Anyways, I don’t really know what to say except that every dude looks like they’re addicted to snuff. It’s a christmas movie with all that regular morality-bullshit and bad-guy-turning-good-guy-since-it’s-christmas-and-everything. Even so it works perfectly well for getting into that christmas-mood, and it is perfect for your kids learning them that christmas isn’t just about getting expensive gifts. If you have any (that you know of). Egoistic, greedy little bastards!

You can’t really dislike these movies, even if they’re not your cup of tea – since they sort of belong to the season. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t.

HELL YEAH. This is what I’m talking about. This review will be short, since the movie is one of the best action movies out there today. Yes, it is a non-biased fact and it is true and you know it. The plot? Let’s get those details over with. G.I Joe is an elite military unit that in this movie takes on a weapons dealer looking for world domination. Oh yeah.

The reasons why this is the best action movie today are:

• Almost rom the immediate start you have badass ground-to-air and air-to-air combat. That’s not even 10 minutes into the movie. Including the introductional Paramount Pictures bullshit.
• It’s funny. In an uncomplicated way.
• The lead girl playing Ana is hot.
• BADASS gear and BADASS weapons.
• Ninjas. 2 of them (!). Yes 2. And they fight each other!
• Nemesis-thingie; several characters meet their nemeses. And kick their asses.
• Those various type of superhero/supervillain characters: crazy professor with mask and creepy voice, the funny and clumpsy black guy being a hero at the end, the macho white dude, the hot but lethal bitch (several of them!), and so on and so on…

There’s actually just one question. Why the hell did they have to have that “The Commander talking like Darth Vader” at the end? I still don’t know if that was supposed to look cool or if they just were ironic. I think the first alternative but I hope for the second…

Anyways. Kickass macho fucking badass movie. Go see.

Here’s one random stolen plot synopsis from IMDB: The aliens, who have the ability to sniff out information, discover Fry’s tattoo and realize it contains a binary password that allows them to conjure up a sphere that allows them to travel back in time. Although Nibbler and the Nibblonians try to stop them, as any use of the sphere could tear apart the fabric of space, they are quickly defeated and the aliens use Bender to go back in time to steal the treasures of the past. They also discover that while temporal doubles are created when two or more of the same person exist in the same time, the double is ultimately doomed to prevent a potential paradox from occurring.

No. I didn’t like it. Well, I didn’t disliked it either to be honest. It’s just that I don’t find Futurama to be as funny as The Simpsons (or Family Guy for that matter). Even though I had a couple of laughs, they were waaaay to few to hold up the whole movie. Yes, Futurama-nerds will love it, since Bender is as badass as always. But for you (like me) who wasn’t convinced by the TV-series; you won’t be convinced by this movie either.

(Some kudoz to the movie though since it helped me waste a good 1,5 hours when I lay in pain with my chickenpox).

Ancient Aliens is a documentary discussing the subject of extra-terrestial beings having helped ancient human civilizations with technology, building pyramids, shaping stone and shit like that. Although the documentary gives a lot to think about (some things still seem really strange), it’s pretty one-sided – making it hard to call it a documentary. There are a lot of people that believe this to be true that are interviewed. Not so many that don’t.

Interesting theories, nice footage, but not much that you can take with you as ‘truth’.

Mari and her parents are going to their summer cabin to spend some quality time. But naturally, since Mari is a girl (read: bitch) – she defies her parents, lending their car and go into town to meet up with her old friend Paige.

Since these girls can’t make any god damn good decisions at all, they decide to hang with this weird young dude, smoke some pot (yay, at least one positive thing) before they realize they are being held hostage. Cause it turns out that this weird young dude is the son of a murdering family.

The Last House On The Left is actually not much of a horror/slasher movie which I first thought. It’s more of a thriller-in-the-woods (you do of course have some gore scenes. They aren’t plenty though). It is damn exciting too! For your girlfriend that hates horror movies (but you love them), this may be one of the best movies you both can watch and leaving both of you satisfied afterwards. The Last House On The Left is that sweet story of revenge.

Too bad though there are som clichés – like no signal on the cell phone. It would be plausible if the cell phone holder were e.g. somewhere in the desert – but now they’re just at some kind of motel. These kind of misses are not good.

Martha MacIsaac plays the incredibly annoying bitch Paige who I would love to smack in the face. Fortunately she gets chopped up quite early in the movie. On the contrary though, Garret Dillahunt does a great role as the main maniac head of the crazy family; Krug. What more, you get to see boobies. Two times, I think. Small boobies, but still boobies. And there’s this long rape scene, which according to wikipedia took 17 hours to record. Not saying that raping is a good thing; it is not. But it is a powerful scene.

Apparently, this is a remake of The Last House On The Left (1972) by Wes Craven. Which in turn is a remake of an really old Ingmar Bergman movie – Jungfrukällan (1960). Maybe this is a Bergman movie I actually have to watch. Swedes kick ass!

So what did we learn from this, kids? Actually three lessons:

1. Listening to and obeying your parents instead of being an egoistic asshole will lower your risk of being killed and/or raped.
2. Flats are better than houses, since it is easier to find the bad guy in a smaller area. You will get lost in your own house. Yes, you will.
3. If cannabis would be legal, there would be less stabbing and raping in the american woods.

One last thing: The ending fucking ruled (one word for you: microwaves!) .

As the title implies, you know the shit is going to start when they are…ehrrmm… dancing on some graves. Desecrating graves is, as you know, generally a bad thing to do. The movie starts with a girl being strangled by a ghost. Then this dude dies and some old friends from college decides to drink to his honor. They do that by visiting the graveyard and drinking beer, playing some bad rock ‘n roll and dancing on graves.

The cast does not exist of marvelous fabulous superstars, but you at least have that Kiss-of-The-Dragon-bad-guy-with-a-weird-name Tchéky Karyo starring as a “paranormal investigator” and Dominic Purcell (known from Prison Break and Primeval. He really DOES look like Markoolio!).

So let me comment about the obvious topics:

• Surprisingly fast does our main characters accept that there are real ghosts that haunt them. That’s a nice touch, since in every other movie (except those that is played out in the 19th century or earlier) denies the phenomenon of ghosts until it is far too late for them.
• There’s a bit too much boom-tactits, which I think they could have avoided. Especially since the ghost design is truly excellent. Just see the pictures here below. What more, that eerie feeling lingers on for very long moments in various scenes – the presence of ghosts are far more persistent than usual. This is a good thing, making the use of “surprise-horror” moves void.
• However, it can go the other way around and become a bit too much sometimes, making you feel it is more of a parody/comedy than a horror movie.
• the actors are doing a great job pretending to be pulled around by poltergeists.
• Yep, it turns out that the stupid bitch in the end ruins everything. They all could have been saved but they won’t – just ’cause one woman did something really stupid. Here we go again with the women…

If you still aren’t convinced, then let me tell you this. In the end they are being chased by a giant fucking ghost head. GIANT FUCKING GHOST HEAD. Did you read that? There’s GIANT, GHOST, HEAD and profanity in the same sentence. That head is like a boss taken straight from Castlevania.

So, kids, what is the moral of the story? Don’t fucking desecrate graves. You might get iced by an angry ghost.

“So, did you like my piano playing or should I just bite your fucking head off?”

“If I weren’t an inbreed retard then I wouldn’t have looked like shit”

“Even so, I get the bitch to do what I want since I’m a thin creepy ghost”

If this is how I will look when I have died and slept in my coffin for a couple of years – then please, could anyone just bring yer god damn camera and take hell of a lot of pictures! That would rule so much!

“A kiss, baby?”

“Hey, wanna ride my coffin, cutie?”

“I think I actually will bite your fucking head off. Dipshit.”

Introduction. Past history of USA and Saudi Arabia is presented in a quite cool graphical timeline-way. Present time. An american safety ground in Saudi Arabia is blown to pieces as some terrorist organization is out for american blood.

Turn your head towards USA. A team of a couple of Special Agents are sent to Saudi Arabia to investigate this. Things are a bit strained at first between the american agents and the Saudi Arabian authorities, but as things evolve their partnership is getting tighter and tighter.

The Kingdom is one of the better Crime/Drama/Thriller I’ve seen for a while. The exciting thing about this movie is that you never really know when and how shit are going to go medieval with stuff blowing up everywhere. Even in the end you bite your nails with suspension, not knowing if the all-out urban war is going to result in any survivors at all, or just every living thing being blown to smithereens.

Of course this arouses feelings of hate towards the religious (muslim) fanatics, raging war against innocent people (you can’t blame governmental actions on people originating from that nation – that’s ridiculous). But in the end, this is all shown in a different light, leaving you with a cheap moral of the story.

Two things noted:

• The muslim terrorists fucking suck with guns. They can’t hit anything for shit, and gets totally torned up by the american Special Agents.
• Chris Cooper (Breach) is playing the role as one of the agents, and it is quite hard not to see him as a mole (as his role were in Breach). It’s kind of funny that you can’t easily let go of your mental picture of actors after seeing them playing a certain role.

The director Peter Berg shall receive kudoz for two things: Every character is presented in their first appearance by a short discrete text, stating their name and position. That’s neat. The second thing is that the arabic people actually speak arabic. It’s extremely nice to see that they’re not speaking english with an arabic accent when they’re supposed to speak their mother tongue. Kudoz!

“It’s LEH-vitt, not Le’ Vesque. I’m not a goddamn French-Canadian. “

The Running Man is loosely based on a novel by Stephen King with the same name – actually a novel I haven’t read (yet).

Anyways. It’s a Schwarzenegger movie, so you know what you’re in for. You can’t expect too much from the acting. Cause it really sucks. Although Arnold has at least some cool oneliners.

The Running Man is a parody within an action thriller. Arnold Schwartzenegger plays an innocent man who is sentenced to the Running Man game show, a futuristic audience participation capital punishment television show. While Arnold is running from champions with chainsaws and sharpened hockey sticks, the host (Richard Dawson) is busy with calls to the network about ratings. Note that once again it is a woman who desroys eveything for our main Terminoator-man. Arnold makes a good effort of escaping the prison he’s in, but this bitch squeals instead of helping him out. Women always fuck things up for us guys, in one way or another.

Speaking of prison. It is very convenient that the computer that controls the “sonic death beam” or whatever it was called that’s supposed to contain the prisoners is placed in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING PRISON AMONG ALL THE PRISONERS. True story. Really brilliant. Whoever did that jail design should get shot in the head instantly (“On the dirr” as we say in Sweden).

There’s one more thing that puzzles me, but that goes for all these movies. Why does every god damn machine speak in the movies about the future (present time) from the eighties? Why? That feels kind of retarded. I also love when they speak of something that is supposed to sound technical bull in reality just is bullshit. Like “hexagonal decoding system”. And it shows a pattern of hexagon shapes. Oh rly?

As for the “hunters” that are out to shop these running men into little pieces, they all make me laugh since they’re so… parodic. Especially that Captain Freedom dude.

The movie has at least a good moral of the story – Don’t ever trust what your government or media is feeding you. Their version of the truth is not necessarily the real truth. Big Brother can go fuck himself for all that I care. Even if that perhaps wasn’t what the director had in mind when making the movie, it’s still a god damn important thing to note. Oh, and another thing. Arnold actually says “I’ll be back“. All is well.

” – What happened to Buzzsaw?
- “Ehh… he had to split” (harr harr harr)

Should have had the title ‘Akilles’ instead of Troy. Like the whole movie is about Akilles. First of all, this is a fucking long movie, spanning over more than 2,5 hours (!). You EDM freaks out there have already noticed the first lines that the narrator speaks (I know it have been used in several hardstyle/-core tracks…):

Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?

As for the plot it goes a little bit something like this. Sparta and Troy are striving after peace, but this troyan prince dude steals the princess of Sparta and the king of sparta gets seriously pissed off, starting rioting and shit. Like always, the true reason of war is womens.  All this trouble for just a woman. One woman. Jesus f-ing christ. Anyway. Hell breaks loose and Sparta + Greece uses Akilles as their ally, although they don’t really trust him. Who would?

Some things I noted:

• I hate the fact that they speak english. Why not speak greek instead? Amateurs.
• The first fight is kind of cool. That big ass motherucker Boagrius (Nathan Jones) is really really huge. Although he gets his ass kicked quicker than you can say “whuppass”, it’s still cool.
• Gore isn’t sparse, even though I’ve seen better in other roman/greek movies.
• Wilhelm scream is frequently used. Very frequently.
• To see Sean Bean playing the role of Odysseus is a kind of weird feeling. My mental picture of him is of being a mental psycho.
• Akilles get shot in the heel in the end and then dies. (Like you didn’t know).

Compared to 300 this is just a bullcrap though. Brad Pitt (as Akilles) isn’t nearly as badass as Gerard Butler in ‘300′. I’m not saying Troy is bad. I’m just saying it is not even playing in the same league as 300. You should interpret more about 300 than Troy in that statement.

Save for the love-drama and self-sacrificial bullshit Troy is actually good. If you manage to watch through the whole 2,5 hours. Breaks are needed.

The Sentinel has a quite impressive cast; Michael Douglas, Kiefer Sutherland (yes you get the feeling this is just a longer episode of ‘24′), Eva Longoria Parker (that Desperate Housewife chick), Kim Basinger as the president’s wife and like a hell of a lot more familiar faces which I don’t know the names of.

Anyways. The plot. Yes. Well, the president is being plotted against to be killed, and at the same time his wife is an unfaithful bitch and is sleeping with one of the president’s lifeguards at Secret Service (Michael Douglas is the lucky bastard; here as the character Peter Garrison). Then shit starts to get crazy, everybody suspecting everybody and trusting nobody. After like half an hour what you got is a 2006 version of “The Fugitive”. It is nearly just as good too (that means it is mediocre but entertaining. And you out there that are fans of these kind of movies will probably shit yer pants. I didn’t though).

Yes, some good action scenes even though the most exciting parts of The Sentinel is not the action scenes – it is the plot (yeah, even I can appreciate a good plot once in a while). There’s an saddening absence of female nudeness, so even though there is like a love affair and shit like that – don’t expect to see Basinger’s boobies. You won’t.

The sentinel is not something I will watch again. But it may be worth your time if you’re into these crime drama thriller whatever movies.

(The Machine Girl).

A nerdy japanese boy and his friend gets killed by yakuza mobsters. This dude’s sister decides to avenge her brother’s death by killing every last fucker in that crazy yakuza family. But she gets her arm chopped off and instead mounts a machine gun where her arm used to be. She and another she-bitch then goes bananas and just opens million cans of whuppass on like everybody they see. And the adventures ensues…

The trailer (see below) gives it away. You have everything. Ninjas, a girl mounting a machinegun on her arm (!), shuriken, revenge, gore (lots of gore), Yakuza, tempura, sushi, chainsaws, flying guillotine (yes it is true), drill bra, and many other cool things. They even make their own Pinhead out of one of the yakuza guys (true story!)

But the three fucking ninjas in red fake-Adidas suites (or something) that appear in the middle of the movie were just a bit too much… You will know what I mean when you see them.

Yes, there are many plot holes and goofs. But that shit doesn’t matter when it comes to these kind of movies. It is japanese, it contains a lot of gore, it is fucking epic. Just don’t take it too seriously. Because that is impossible.

I just have one question. What the FUCK about the american soccer team in the end, made up by pissed off parents to mobsters that the girls have killed. That’s just retarded. Retarded like Power Rangers. Cause they almost look like they were snatched from that awful TV-series directly. With less colour. They are stupid too. Near the end when they have encircled the girls, they just start running around in a circle around them, pointing their guns at them. But they don’t shoot them. Why the fuck not? Instead they get raped by a chainsaw. Serves them just right. Stupid!

Anyways, great gore movie.

Serenity is a sci-fi action-comedy á la Indiana Jones in space. Our main character Captain Malcom Reynolds (played by Nathan Fillion, which also starrs in White Noise 2) is very familiar to Han Solo of Star Wars. The environment settings are like a mix between Star Wars (not Star Trek. Star Trek is gay), Blade Runner and Event Horizon.  So that’s cool.

Anyways. Cap’ Malcolm leads a ship of rogues who just tries to get their stomaches fed by doing various raids for people who want to pay them money. Then they hook up with this girl and her brother. The girl has some psychic power. Unfortunately for Malcolm & crew, there are more people who wants to see this psychic girl dead. Thus, everybody’s life is at peril and soon enough they are being hunted and the fun starts to kick off.

There are some plot holes though. Like in one scene where these Reavers are holding lots of heavy firearms and blasting our heros’ asses off. But then when our main heroine/weirdo decides to go apocalyptic on their asses in hand-to-hand combat, they are suddenly only armed with spears and shit. Really? Ya rly! These kind of things bothers me.

Oh yeah and that dude playing that righteous bastard who is a pussy but means well in 2012 – well, he’s the bad guy now.

Serenity is an easy and entertaining watching experience. It makes you smile a lot – it does not make you think or reflect. Just like Indiana Jones. So this is definitely worth seeing.

A gangster that is shot to death and his perception of the life afterwards in (supposedly) heaven is not really what he might think he is… or is he really in the place he thinks he is?

This episode isn’t particularly interesting for its major part, but the plot twist made it worthwhile watching it.