The Time Element was the first TV pilot for the original Twilight Zone TV-series. As some of you know I’ve stumbled upon a collection of all (yes, all) Twilight Zone episodes and movies. I’m planning to watch them all in due time. Since there’s a shitload of stuff to watch I won’t write thorough reviews of each and every episode, but I will probably write something – even if it’s just a short note.

So anyways, The Time Element is about a dude who thinks he’s not dreaming about being transferred back in time – he thinks he’s actually time travelling – for real. Its a short story being played out at a psychiatrics office (and in the patients’ dreams/time travelling scenario) with a maybe predictable but still interesting ending.

FUCKING AWESOME OH YES! I’m so excited about writing this review I don’t even know where to start. I got two tickets for this movie from Carina, since she had them for free and she didn’t want to see a zombie movie. So I and Mr Flack went to see it instead. And boy did it kick huge fucking ass!

Zombieland is like more of a comedy than a “horror” movie. The whole world is covered with zombies. There are like no regular people left. Except this dude we get to follow, who has this whole friggin’ zombie survival book of rules. Then he meets up with this other badass motherfucker (Woody Harrelson) and they team up. As they proceed through the country they meet two other survivors (girls), and they get fucked over and over again by those bitches (not literally though…).

Zombieland is like everything you will ever need. Loads of references to other movies, a cameo part by Bill Murray, zombies being massacred in various ingenious ways, epic one-liners, and situations making you laugh your fat ass off.

You also have this hot chick (Emma Stone) playing one of the lead roles:

And of course a shitload of zombies. Like these dudes, running almost as fast as 14-year old girls do when Idol from TV4 is on tour:

They even managed to put in a zombie clown (!). That is like combining two of the best horror things ever. Nothing is as creepy as clowns. And zombies are your definition of horror. What do you get if you combine these two things togehter? Well yes, your Stephen King / George A. Romero combo:

FUCK YEAH! And I just keep on wondering; why didn’t we have zombieball as P.E in school? Seems like a kind of fun sport to play:

Anyways, whatever I write I won’t be able to describe how good this movie actually is. I said earlier that District 9 was like the best movie ever. That is still true. The thing now is that District 9 has got a new brother to share its throne with. The name of that brother is Zombieland. I’m in love with Zombieland. You can’t miss it for anything in the whole fucking world.

Time to nut up or shut up!

A couple of days ago I was visiting Emma and Dennis, when we decided to see this movie. I have had a mental note for quite some time, saying I should see this movie. Sometime. So finally I did. IMDB summarizes Slumdog Millionaire in an excellent way:

A Mumbai teen who grew up in the slums, becomes a contestant on the Indian version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” He is arrested under suspicion of cheating, and while being interrogated, events from his life history are shown which explain why he knows the answers.

As you may know I’m not generally into these kind of movies. But I must say I really enjoyed this one. Yeah, it is bit predictable at some times, but the story is good (and sad, since you get to see a lot of misery in the slums of India).

So what I’m actually saying is that Slumdog Millionaire is a movie you could watch together with your bitch (girls love that drama shit) and actually enjoy a bit yourself. Know that you will miss your zombies, your flesh-eating viruses, your mutilation of stupid teenagers and nudity. But at least you will probably get laid after the movie if your lucky.

2009-10-24. The day I, Carina and Emma had our B-Day Bash at Kulturkammaren. All of us three celebrated our 25:th birthday together with an epic costume party. The theme was cartoons, which includes a quite wide variety of characters. For myself I chose to be Akuma from the Street Fighter video game series. A kickass character; thus, it suites my personality really well .

I want to thank everybody who showed up, and especially my friends and parents who assisted us by working in the bar, being toastmasters and helping out with the cleaning.

Thanks to all of you. I had a fucking blast!

Pictures on Facebook or Flickr. Enjoy!

If you don’t mind the fact that Uwe Boll is the man behind this movie (like the video game world’s most hated dude) then it still is a fucking bad movie. Far Cry as you may know is a video game which purely has one major strength: the graphics. Far Cry was all about showing how your poor PC at home couldn’t bear to show all that “almost realistic” graphic. Then you blew shit up on a tropical island and everyone was happy. Oh yeah, you also had some superpowers.

So, as the game is adpoted into a movie all you have is some german protagonist who is an ex top soldier, an island where they do some scientific experiments on soldiers (resulting in soldiers with super human strength but no brains). One hot chick and a bit of action. That’s it. It fucking sucks. It is mostly the bad acting that pisses me off. It was so poorly directed I can’t give this any good words at all. Just don’t see this piece of shit. The game wasn’t good. The movie isn’t either.

I can’t remember what I thought about the first movie; I can’t even remember what the first movie was about. So fuck that, let’s concentrate on this sucker. Wrong Turn 2. I thought people should have learned by now that running into the american woods is bad for your health; you may stumble upon retarded inbreeds that will fuck you up (and probably eat you too). Deliverance, anybody?

This time they make the wonderful decision to record a new TV show in the woods. A TV-show hosted by badass motherfucker Dale (Henry Rollins). You have all your stereotypes: The lesbian war-hero, the lonely bitchy girl, the shy girl, the jock (which turns out to be some kind of pussy – but a kind pussy), the sex freak (a girl), the try-to-be-funny dude and like… probably others I don’t remember.

Basically what we get is a hunt. The retards are hunting the city people in the woods. And mutilating and eating them. That’s kind of badass; I actually love these movies. And, as you expect from such a recent movie, the gore effects are stunning. There are some parts that feels straight off fake, but they are so few – and the scenes that are well made are really well made. Here are two samples:

So, you see? Lots of blood and gore and mutilation and suspension and (ufortunately) a couple of one-liners that just feels tardy. Here are some things you may learn by watching Wrong Turn 2:

• Inbreeds are damn accurate with throwing axes. They can make an axe thrown from behind appear to hit the targets head from the side. Amazing.
• All inbreeds have fucked up teeth
• Inbreeds are retarded but lethal.
• Planting dynamite on an enemy’s back is quite an effective way for disposal.

This is just a pure qualitative blood feast for you to enjoy. Can’t really find anything negative to say. Make damn sure you see this one!

Also known as Blood Moon, as shown on the poster. IMDB says the synopsis is the following:

Tara Talbot is afflicted with the rare genetic condition hypertrichosis– she is covered head to toe in hair. She lives her life in Harley Dune’s Travelling Freak Show, on display as the ‘Terrifying Wolf Girl’, but underneath she is just a teenage girl who longs to be normal.

But actually what it is, is this wolf girl being a junkie trying some drugs to get normal, but gets bullied by some fucked up teenagers on which she has her revenge. In other words; quite sweet.

Our wolf girl isn’t hot (obviously) ’cause she’s so hairy. Besides, there’s too much dick and too few tits & girls’ ass. Not enough blood either to be a movie called Blood Moon (or Wolf Girl).

Tim Curry is great as the circus owner, and you get to see a shitload of freaks on the circus too. That is entertainment. Just don’t believen IMDB when it classes the movie as “Horror/Thriller”. It is not scary. At all. The only thing the movie does is that it gets you to feel kind of good. And that would be epic fail if it was supposed to be scary.

So, what did I learn?

• Boys with small dicks harass weak people.
• Even a Wolf Girl can be a junkie
• When injecting shit into your body, you don’t only look like a wolf – you sound like a fucking grizzlybear and making sounds I didn’t think was possible for human vocal cords to produce.
• Less hair on your body implies you’re more of a beast.

The ending sucked too.

Romantic comedy. That was the request from my girl when I had her over the other day. So I found this one. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Thinking it would suck I started to watch this together with Carina.

Actually it did not suck. First of all there were a lot of sex jokes, which made Carina laugh her ass off more than a couple of times. You see, when it comes to reviewing these kind of movies I’m not the guy for it. Yeah, I do find most of them funny but you know… they’re really not my cup of tea. A better reviewer is Carina. If she laughs then the movie is actually funny. If she does not, it isn’t funny. Unless I laugh, then it’s just Carina that lacks good taste.

Anyways. This dude (same actor as from How I met you mother) is ditched by his movie star girlfriend. So he takes a trip to Hawaii to get rid of her memories, but it turns out that she is on Hawaii too – at the same hotel as this dude, and she is fucking a rock star. The dude is like “naaawww fuck, you must be shitting me”. So he starts to somewhat date this hot girl working at the reception at the hotel (known from that 70’s show), and things get complicated and hilarious.

Not the best comedy movie I’ve seen, but it sure is entertaining enough to make you laugh a couple of times.

Also known as Hell of the Living Dead, Zombi 4 (in USA), Zombi 5: Ultimate Nightmare (in Italy), Zombie Creeping Flesh (in the UK) and Zombie Inferno. Why the hell does these zombie flicks always have like three hundred aliases? Anyways. Virus- Night Of The Zombies is like 100 minutes of waaay to much moaning and screaming without being porn (you get to see some tits though).

Basically we have this bitch reporter and her cameradude in New Guinea. They team up with some commando forces and fights off flesh-eating zombies. Cause we all know that New Guinea is full of flesh-eating zombies.

Actually, authentic footage is used which may give some more value to the movie (from La Vallée (1972) and a documentary called “Of The Dead”. It’s mostly too dark though so you don’t see shit what’s going on in some of the most action-packed scenes.

I guess it all boils down to some things I’ve learned:

• US Special Tactical Forces were badass in the early eighties; They didn’t use helmets or kevlar armor. They used caps. And blue farmer overalls.
• When you break into an american embassy, funky seventies music starts to play.
• US Special Tactical Forces know jack shit about urban warfare.
• Going naked and painting your face like a fucking clown makes it easier to communicate with inhabitants in the djungle.

Too visually dark to be satisfying, but besides that it does everything right as you would have expected from a zombie moive from the early eighties.

As you can see from the very very sparse IMDB summary page, this is not a big seller. Indeed, it looks like shit sometimes. Even so this may be one of the better ‘amateurish’ movies there is.

Border Town starts out fine with an asswhuppin’ in a bar and some GTA-inspired introduction graphics. Basically there is this daughter who got kidnapped by a mexican cartel or something, and now working for them as an ‘escort lady’. Too bad for those dudes that her dad is a badass motherfucker looking for revenge ’cause they took what belonged to him.

So far so good. And you get what you expect; shoot-outs, blood, explosions, and all that shit. Too bad the movie loses its pace at some times making it feel slow and boring. All in all though it is quite good.

It is also educational. At least I learned of some new stuff while watching it. Here is a summary of what I’ve learned:

• Mexican gangsters can’t shoot for shit. One american dude with a  six-shooter versus like 15 ‘gangsters’ (some mexicans but also a black dude and some other mixed ethnities) with automatic weapons and desert eagles. They can’t kill the american. Even though he is on open ground and they have like surrounded him.
• Staring at a total stranger regains your memory of your lost childhood.
• A fucking wood table (!) protects you from an exploding grenade which detonated like centimeters from your face.

So for your own educational purposes you should go see Border Town. Otherwise you can safely skip this one.

Beowulf starts out with this type of giant freak monster called Grendel slaying a shitload of danish people celebrating something with their king. He just wrecks into the tavern and starts to mutilate people and drinking their blood. As the whole movie is animated (decent quality of the animations), I didn’t think it would be so gory. Boy, I was wrong.

The first thing you see is a total blood bath, worse (read: better) than most things I’ve seen for quite some time. So, as Grendel opens a can of total mayhem on these dudes, the king then decides to put a ransom on the dipshit’s head. It is here our hero Beowulf comes into the picture. A badass motherfucker sailing over the seas to seek new riches, fame and glory by just killing every last piece of shit he stumbles upon.

Don’t worry about the actors just being voices. The characters really do look like the actors playing them. This is specially true about the king Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) and Grendel’s mother (Angelina Jolie). Imagine yourself; there’s a naked Angelina Jolie in the movie. Although animated, she’s still a hottie.

Besides that, there’s lots of sex. Like no real fucking, but at least a bunch of sexual references, bouncing boobs and stuff like that.

Beowulf was way better than I had imagined. I’m not saying it is a masterpiece (it is not), but it was at least worth seeing. This was a fucking scandinavian blood feast. And there’s a dragon that breaths fire. That should suffice for anyone in doubt.

Go see Beowulf.

Wow. That is like Angelina Jolie naked. If that isn’t enough to motivate you to see Beowulf, then you’re probably just gay (if you’re a dude) or not gay (if you’re a girl) or just blind.

Grendel. How the hell could a beauty like the one in the picture before give birth to this freak of nature? Anyways, he kind of reminds me of somebody. Somebody famous. Just can’t recall who.

An American Haunting places itself as a mix between Sleepy Hollow and The Exorcist. With a plot twist. This is based on a ‘true’ story (read more at wikipedia). It starts out in present da, Red River, Tennessee. A teenager has frequent nightmares. Her mother reads an old letter from 1817 written by her ancestor, Lucy Bell. From there we go back in time, where basically the rest of the movie takes place.

After a dispute of lands judged by the church, her husband John Bell (Donald Sutherland) is cursed by his opponent Kathe Batts, who has a fame of being a witch. From this moment on, an entity threatens John and her daughter Betsy Bell, attacking the girl during the nights. With the support of Betsy’s school teacher Richard Powell, who tries to find rational explanations for the manifestation; her brother John Bell Jr.; and their friend James Johnston, who unsuccessfully tries to exorcize the entity from the house, the family does their best to protect Betsy in the haunted house.

The director Courtney Solomon is a bit adventurous regarding the camera perspective. It is quite cool that some scenes are filmed with the point of view from the ‘entity’ that haunts the Bell family. The colors change in a very artistic manner, and the camera sweeps irregularly (mostly making me nauseous…). Well, at least the first like 2 times it’s cool. But the 33400:th time it gets a bit annoying and draws down the tempo a bit too much.

I stumbled upon this fucker trying to bash the movie by saying it is feminist bullshit (contains a shitload of spoilers, so be warned…) all through and it doesn’t stay true to the ‘real’ Bell With legend. Well, I’ve just got one thing to say for you motherfucker; fuck off. Why are you even trying to interpret any political bullshit in this? And why do you have to bash the movie just because it isn’t true to the legend? Who gives a FUCK about the legend? If it makes a good movie then it makes a good movie. True to the legend or not. In fact, the real legend is quite boring and would not make any success on the screen. So they altered the story after their liking and gave us a badass ghost story instead. I’m happy with that. You should be too, you negative prick.

(Oh, and just for the record – you feminist radicals could go fuck yourselves too. I don’t like you either).

All actors make a magnificient effort, and the ghostly special effects are well done. You won’t see any gore of any kind; but I don’t think you would want to do that in this kind of movie. This is a classic ghost story which may or may not frighten you. I liked it, and I think you will too. Ghost story + old 19th century america + unsettling atmosphere = instant win.

It was about then John Bell realized his daughter looked like shit.

Anacondas is like somewhat of a sequel to that crappy Ice Cube movie Anaconda. Like you make a singularis word into pluralis and you’ve got a sequel. A better sequel I might add. It was waaaay back in time I saw that first movie; so all I remember is a blur of suckness. Like what the fuck is Ice Cube doing wrestling a giant snake.

So what do we have here? A pharmaceutical company has found out that the mysterious Blood Orchid may be the source of eternal youth. Of course that shit only grows in Borneo and it blooms like once every seventh year – and when it does bloom it does so for only a couple of weeks. What a fucking pile of shit for a story. But I buy it, just because I want to see some jungle mayhem. Certainly, as you may have guessed, as the expedition goes out into the jungle in Borneo the shit starts to hit the fan. Involving a giant anaconda. Or maybe I should say AnacondaS. There are like a fucking army of those giant motherfuckers. You get pretty much thrown right into the story. That is not a negative thing as many of you may think. Getting right to the action and skipping all that boring motivational stuff is just my cup of tea.

You also get the usual stereotypes; the lone, silent adventurer (our badass hero); the Chris Rock-ish black dude throwing one-liners and panicking over every itty-bitty shitty detail; the bitch who thinks she has to prove herself just because she’s a girl, and that money-driven “badguy” (why is it that they always portray people who want to increase their monetary growth as evil people?).

Certainly there are a lot of misses, but most of them won’t bother you. Except one thing. At a certain point in the movie one dude states that “the harddrive is done for”. Guess what he is holding? An ASUS DVD-burner (or reader). That shit kind of pisses me off. But anyways, they’re excused for that mistake because they give me huuuuge giant fucking snakes attacking everything they see. Like maniacs. Really awesome!

Oh. And I learned about some new shit by watching this too. I was thinking that they did a serious mistake by giving the giant snakes a shitload of teeth in their mouths. I was like “hey… but snakes only has like four teeth. Not a row of teeth. What the hell have you done?” So i JFGI and saw that I was wrong. Anacondas has a pile of teeth in their mouths. That’s just pure badassness:

Anaconda. Like the worst shit mother nature could produce to scare the shit out of every other living being. Respect. (This is a real Anaconda. Not one of those gigantic shitheads from the movie).

Think of Anacondas: The Hung for the Blood Orchid as a… worse Borneo-version of Indiana Jones. Much action, some humouristic characters and all in all a quite thrilling adventure.

Check out the worlds top 7 creepiest places. I want to visit them all!

No, I’m not slow. I just haven’t got around watching it yet. Finally, 7 years later, I took a look at the documentary by Michael Moore. Bowling for Columbine is a well-made documentary where Moore tries to find out why Americans shoot themselves to death more than any other (developed) country in the world.

I guess the conclusion was that Americans are scared shitless of eachother living in constant fear of being attacked or sumthin’. So instead they shoot eachother. Sounds reasonable.

I don’t know if I have so much more to say about this movie. It’s been a while since this was in the spotlight, but still worth seeing if you haven’t already. Kinda nice to see it so much later, making you have some other perspective on all the things that occured.

Besides, Michael Moore is funny. Can’t say that I agree with him on everything, but he sure has some good points.

Kind of a half-good getting-revenge-on-the-alien-motherfuckers movie. In Altered we get to follow some rednecks who were abducted by aliens when they were kids. Now, they are on the hunt for alien bastards to get their revenge on them. You get a strange kind of feeling that it is a common thing that aliens stroll around in our woods here on planet earth…

Anyways. These dudes actually manages to capture on slimey badass alien. However, the whole thing doesn’t work out as well as they had planned.

The special effects department did an excellent job in this movie when it comes to the human parts, showing deteriorated skin and such stuff. Whoever worked at the Alien special effects department should get fired though. The alien creatures were too stereotypical human-like for my taste. You know what I mean.

As a whole you have here a decent action movie (it is not particularly creepy – don’t know if it was intended to be scary at all?) with some humans kicking alien ass and vice versa. Don’t get any high expectations when reading the poster. It says it was the same director as for The Blair Witch Project. That may be true. But in terms of horror quality they are not even close. While The Blair Witch Project made me sleepless for ages and giving me a phobia of dark woods – Altered fails in having such an impact on me. Once again though; I do not know if that even was the intention.

Wooooaaaahhhh. First of all I thought they were making fun of people and did a movie in a documentary manner. But then I realized this was for real and the characters were not a parody of whacky people – they were real life people playing air guitar in real life and contending in real life Air Guitar tournaments (!). Yeah, that it fucking weird. Indeed, some of the people were really weird too. I must say though that the dudes we get to follow mainly; Björn Türoque (“Born To Rock”, ha ha ha…) and C-Diddy (wtf?) have quite som skills in the useless (but somewhat entertaining) art of playing Air Guitar.

Air Guitar Nation has proven to me that no matter how fucked up a thing is; you can still make a tournament of it and people will compete. And the crowd will go crazy.

Fucking hilarious.

“To Air is Human – To Air Guitar Is Divine”

Uwe Boll. The man everybody hates. Probably just because those pseudointellectual know-it-alls says he suck then everybody else has to think the same way because that is the ‘correct’ way to think.

Well, fuck that.

At first I was quite impressed. The movie had potential. Then somewhere in the middle I was like “WTF!?” Christian Slater plays our main character Edward Carnby. Tara Reid (hot piece of ass) known from various college comedies and such has also a major role in Alone In The Dark. After you are more and more convinced that the movie sucks, you get a shitload of special effects, shooting, blood and gore and you’re like “hey Uwe, that’s not so bad. Indeed it’s quite badass!”. But, as you start to thrive in all the bloody mess and monster mayhem, you notice that there’s a deaf dude who has decided about which music that should be part of the soundtrack. It is fucking horrible! Absolutely the totally wrong kind of music at the totally wrong times. Not a single thing goes right with the movie music. Nothing.

I have to add that I haven’t played the games. (I know about them, and I have known about them as long as I can remember – just haven’t taken my time playing them). So you won’t find any comparisons of that kind here in this review. Just had to get that off my heart.

Anyways. Alone in the Dark is like… nothing special. I’m sorry but I can’t find anything in the movie that would make me recommend it to anybody else. The acting sucks, and even though the special effects are kind of awesome it doesn’t make up for all the flaws. It feel low-budget all through (even though I’m sure that Mr. Boll spent quite a fortune on this movie).

Don’t badmouth Boll just because everybody who has a pole up their asses says he suck. Alone In The Dark wasn’t really good. But it is NOT as bad as people will try to make you think. Besides; the movie cover is pure badassness.

Wow. What you get is basically two things: A kickass adventure where some dude takes his prehistorical friends on a search-and-rescue-mission after his bitch (Camilla Belle, quite a hottie) and some other of his crew gets kidnapped by mean Egyptians or something. That is the first thing. The second thing is excellent computer generated graphic effects. Like giant mammoths, sabre-toothed tigers, over-grown ostriches (getting stabbed in their throats), fucking huge pyramids and a lot of slaves. And african fighters. Although the africans weren’t computer generated.

10,000 BC was way better than expected. When the movie premiered everybody was like boooh it’s so bad (but I didn’t hear any good argument why it sucked so bad they felt they had to puke over all of it).

I can tell you now after watching it; it didn’t suck. Not at all. In fact, the story was so intruiging and the special effects were so well done that I couldn’t turn the god damn movie off despite the fact that it was too late to be sitting up watching it.

Alright, some of that lovey-dovey shit is quite lame. Luckily there isn’t too much of that. The scenery is just awesome. It may be a story for kids, but even so I found it entertaining.

Give it a chance if you haven’t already. I think you will find it better than what you expect.

… and the mammoth were like “GTFO motherfucker, stop jibbering with ma brothahs, you jive-jibbering turkey”.

It was love at first sight. I promise.